He’s Out There Somewhere

My dad’s birthday is coming up, Wednesday actually… and I don’t remember the last time we spoke. In fact I still don’t know where he lives, his life is all a mystery to me now. I think of him from time to time, rarely though, but still. He’s my dad, ya know?

166374_1707012605995_3240285_nI’m somewhat envious of the fact that my brothers still have some sort of relationship with him, even if they’re in the dark almost as much as I am. There’s still a chance for them to build on that. It’ll be a while until I have that opportunity, or before I even decide that I want that opportunity. I don’t really know how everything spiraled the way that it did, although in retrospect it’s best for everything that things ended the way that they did.

There are still many pieces to pick up and wounds to mend, but I’m getting there.

It’s hard to think that I went from being a daddy’s girl to being daddy’s black sheep.

Happy Birthday Dad.

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Colgate Optic White – For Your Teeth Whitening Needs

Influenster sent me another voxbox, this time it was for a Colgate Optic White toothbrush with a whitening pen. I unfortunately was not blessed withwpid-20140311_222737.jpg pearly whites so I’ve been using “whitening” toothpaste for ages. Although nothing really seems to have worked so far, and I’ve tried a lot of different things! I’ve even done some home remedies – which I’ve learned can really just be a bunch of hogwash.

A couple of months back I tried one of those Do-It-Yourself whitening trays… pretty sure the only thing that came out of that was a sore mouth. Anyhow, I received this toothbrush in the mail and after putting it off for a bit I decided to swap it out with my old toothbrush.

The brush itself is nice, it has different sized bristles that I can only assume serve their own special purpose. It is a bit big though, but I have smaller features so that might just be me, on the bright side I didn’t smash the brush into my jaw as I have an awesome way of doing. It was a bit stiff at first but it became more comfortable with use.

wpid-20140311_222817.jpgThe pen itself was kind of odd, it says that you don’t have to rinse or anything but I’m not sure why you don’t. You’re putting paste on your teeth which leaves your mouth feeling gritty, not to mention it makes your mouth water. So while you may not have to rinse or spit it out, you’ll end up doing so anyway otherwise you just have gunk in your mouth and that can be a tad uncomfortable for a bit.

I will say this… it does seem to be working, which is awesome. Plus it’s pretty simple to use; you just brush your teeth and then apply the pen gel once you’re done. I’ll need to look into this further, to see what happens once you’ve used up all of the gel. Can you purchase just the pen or do you have to purchase a whole new toothbrush? I guess it depends on how long the pen lasts, aren’t you supposed to replace your toothbrush every 3 months or so? I knew a girl who said you should replace it as soon as the bristles start to lose their shape – her dad was a dentist so maybe that’s true. Either way, Influenster sent along some coupons for pens (like a lot of them actually…) along with a small tube of Colgate Optic whitening toothpaste (making a mental note to switch to this once I’ve used up my current brand) which helps in the whole process. I can only imagine if I used the mouthwash etc, although I think the mouthwash I currently use is supposed to be comparable to the Colgate Optic White mouthwash.

For now I’d say this is a good product, it’s simple and it works…. we’ll see how things go as I continue to use it. But for now… I’d recommend it.

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I Think Hell Froze Over

I Gave My Number to a Stranger

A few weeks ago I was out with coworkers for a birthday. Three of us decided to keep the party going so we ended up in Wicker Park. Now if you’ve been following along you’ll know that I’m generally very shy when it comes to guys so the fact that this happened is kind of a big deal for me. I’d never been out with these two girls (aside from the occasional after work drink) and maybe that helped. Our first stop was Flat Iron, which was pretty nice, I like how they’ve changed it since it was the Blue Note. It seems bigger. Had a few drinks there and then decided to change locations. When we stepped outside we’d paused a moment so that my friend could light a cigarette and while doing so ran into two guys. I have a bit of a soft spot for a cute guy with an accent, specifically an English accent. Started talking to these guys and decided we were all going to go to the next bar together. The guy was kind of sweet, a bit young but still cute. they were in town for the weekend. One of them worked in NYC and the other was visiting. Had a few drinks and a few laughs before the night ended.

Standing in Line for the Bathroom

As the lights came on and the bar was calling last call I ran to the bathroom one last time. While I was waiting I caught this guys eye. Normally I’d look down or look away but I didn’t do that this time.  Instead I shot him a smile and he came over. Our introduction wasn’t long as the girl ahead of me walked out and it was now my turn to go in.

As I came out the guy was standing by the bar with his friends, he stopped me as came closer and asked for my number. I was kind of in a rush (bc I didn’t want to lose my friends or the cute English guy either) and gave the guy my number. “I’ll text you right now so that you have it, and won’t forget.” And sure enough as I walked away he text me. I’m not even sure what I was thinking at the time, because it’s all a bit foggy at this point. But the guy from the bar  (We’ll call him the Salesman) and I text back and forth for a while after that. He actually asked me to come over, but at 5 in the morning there isn’t much to do with someone you just met that doesn’t involve getting naked. So I politely declined and he said he’d text me later in the week.

And Then it Began…

I was actually surprised when the Salesman contacted me the following week and a bit confused. Like I said, things were a little foggy so I couldn’t really remember what he looked like. Although, by the name in my phone the Salesman was “hot”. I went a few days hoping that I hadn’t lied to myself about that, until he sent me a photo. Nope! I hadn’t lied, the Salesman was indeed hot and tall. 🙂 We went a couple of weeks talking just by text, with a few phone calls in between. Although the phone calls weren’t very long but more of a “just wanted to say hi before I went to bed” kind of thing. He’s a nice guy, although a bit of a partier. But he appears to be well off, definitely a bonus, and…. he’s my age. (shocker).

Catch up to last week, we met up on Wednesday for a drink (re: this article again) homeboy is just as good-looking in real life as he is in pictures, if not better. Although in talking to him in person I got a feeling that we’d be better off as friends than anything else…. and not just because he’s constantly “ON”, going out or planning on leaving the city in a year. Okay, well maybe partially because of all that.

The Kicker

There were two things that he’s said to me in the few weeks we’ve known each other that kind of threw me off… 1) he was willing to put in time until I was comfortable with him and 2) He wasn’t necessarily Boyfriend material but he’s willing to give it a try. The first night we met I told him I wasn’t looking for a booty call (although in all honesty if I do keep in touch with him that’s what he’ll end up being, I’m sure), and he said we’d just see how things go. He wasn’t looking for anything serious, but more of a casual relationship. Like many guys I’ve encountered he wanted to meet someone cool that he could hang out with and talk to, but not be overly committed to. He made a few comments about how he didn’t want to settle (down).

And interestingly, we talked about various ways that I should be approaching guys at the bar. Because I am an attractive woman, and shouldn’t be scared to do so. (Thanks Dr. Salesman)

This one’s been interesting… and I feel that it will continue to be interesting.

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Every little girls dream

As a kid, did you ever wonder what you’d grow up to do? Apparently this is something that happened quite a bit when I was younger. Both my parents were professionals so of course they wanted me to be a professional as well. The only thing is that I had a laundry list of things that I wanted to be as a kid. Mainly, and I don’t have any recollection of this so for all I know it’s not true, mainly I wanted to be a maid. The reason that I’ve always found this hard to believe is because I’m not really one to like cleaning. Not that I don’t clean, obviously everyone has to clean at some point in order to maintain a healthy lifestyle, it’s just not something I’ve ever done with a smile on my face.

So there we have it, that was my big dream as a child. No idea where it came from but I definitely did not grow up to be a house maid.

In fact I didn’t grow up to be anything on that laundry list of professions. I didn’t have the patience to go through all of the years of schooling required to be a psychiatrist. I quickly lost interest in being teacher, mainly because I’m not big on children and I don’t have the patience to teach an adult. [My mother can attest to this as she’s been on the receiving end of my “lessons” Sorry Mom, it’s nothing personal I swear. Although I’m sure you think it is.]

In the end I went to college and spent so much time trying to figure out what I wanted to be that by the time I knew it I was 4 years in and oddly had enough credits to graduate… in what you ask? A BA in Communications!! The most general and bullshit degree a person can get. I think anyway. I’m told you can do anything you want with a degree in Communications and I see it listed on job ads, but it has yet to land me a good job. (~_^)

Most of my classes were intro classes in the marketing and advertising field, honestly I’m not even sure how anyone didn’t pick up on that and question it. I mean, isn’t that what guidance counselors are for? I think of my years in school I saw my counselor once and that was the first week of school. Shouldn’t they be there more often, if only to check in and see if I’m alive? I know I’m an adult and all but it would have been nice, ya know??

And yes, if you’ve been thinking about it… I do know that I cheated myself by not focusing, TRUST me… the student loan bills remind me plenty.

So there you have it, I went from having an (imaginary) career goal to having no real goals at all. Well I guess that’s not entirely true, I still have dreams. I’m just a bit slow on getting them started. But according to a psychic I saw once I need to continue dreaming because one day it will all come true! This, of course, is coming from the same woman who told me that I’d meet an older man and fall in love. I’m finding this all hard to believe when I’ve been meeting nothing but younger men in the last year.

You Can’t Ignore the Darker Days

Sometimes I do something foolish… sometimes I don’t take medicine that’s prescribed to me for depression. It’s foolish because after a day or two I feel absolutely miserable. I’ll feel fine the days that I don’t take it but suddenly it’ll it me and I’m reminded why I take it in the first place.

Yesterday I woke up feeling completely defeated. I literally had to talk myself out of bed, although the bright side to this is that I woke up earlier than normal so I made it to work early… but right, anyway. The entire day I went from “omfg you piss me off” to “wtf 2 chains is playing and I want to cry my eyes out”. It’s frustrating. And I know that it’s my fault.

I’ve been this way for a while, although before it wasn’t as bad. It actually didn’t get bad until after my grandparents passed away…. and I lost my dad at the same time. [Well, I shouldn’t say it like that, he’s not dead or anything, he’s just…. not around.] It’s like everything that could go wrong, did, and I didn’t handle it very well. I’ve always had darker days, but at that point it was just miserable. That was almost 2 years ago, and I still find myself feeling so desolate. I know that I’m not doing everything that I can in order to get better, but what I should be doing requires time and time isn’t something that I have a lot of these days. It’s on my to do list. Until then I try to occupy what little time I do have doing things that give me purpose and keep me up beat. So far it’s working, I just have to remember to follow the routine that I’ve made up for myself…

Because I’d actually like to not have to take anything and still feel that everything is going to be okay.

So yesterday was pretty bad, I actually found myself crying at random moments throughout the day. I guess you can say that anyway, I haven’t actually been able to cry in a while, but the past few days whatever emotions I’ve been holding back have come streaming out. Usually for no reason at all. It just feels like something bad is going to happen and all I wanted to do was crawl into bed. There’s this heavy feeling lurking around and I’m anxious to see what it is, waiting for “it” to happen, whatever “it” is. It’s bothersome and annoying.

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What comes before a Cougar?

There’s been a bit of a buzz around the office, or within my team rather. I seriously hope it isn’t around the office, how awful would that be! Anyway… a couple of weeks ago I mentioned the cutie at work, well seeing as how things were a little crazy and whatnot there were some details that we managed to either not find out, or just plain don’t remember. Thanks liquid gold. So this week I thought, ‘crap, how old is this guy!?’ and asked Chris if she knew. Apparently he was between 22 and 25, of course because that would be the case!

So I started thinking about the past year and how I have a significantly high number of gents responding to my online profiles that are between the ages of ….. 22 and 26. I mean, that’s not a huge issue for me. I mean really, as long as you’re able to walk into a bar and legally buy me a drink we’re all good. It’s just interesting to see that it happens whether I am looking for it or not. My friend Mike has teases me on more than one occasion saying I’m “robbing the cradle”. Personally, I feel that expression is mean for “old” people. Older ladies rob the cradle, like ladies in their 40’s or 50’s. Right? Surely 31 isn’t totally robbing the cradle, I mean… isn’t there an age bracket of 25-30? I realize I’m still outside of that bracket, by ONE YEAR, but it still counts doesn’t it!?

Anyway, now that I ‘knew’ his age I started to think maybe I shouldn’t do anything about it. I’d already had a few situations involving younger guys but did I really want to take the chance at someone even younger ?! Up until now I’ve only met guys 24 or older. What the hell would I have in common with a 22-year-old?! Although, at this point I think I’d accepted the fact that he would just be office eye candy.

HOWEVER, I was talking to another coworker and she said that he was closer to my age, not 22.

//sigh of relief//

Not sure I’d really want to start telling people I was interested in a guy who was 22 years old, I already get shit for the one 24 yo and the handful of 25 year olds.

hmmm maybe there is a bit of shame hidden in there after all.

When I expressed that concern, she told me to stop being dumb. Apparently it didn’t matter considering I look “a lot” younger than I actually am. [Which is actually a comment I get pretty often. Within the last two years I think I’ve gotten anything from 16 to 24, although I really think they’re playing it down because there’s no way I look 16.] Then she started rehashing the events of the Christmas party and said he couldn’t be 22! *insert mathematical problem here involving dates and life experiences* After much debate it was decided that the cutie at work is in fact around my age. 

Now, if only I could work up the nerve to actually talk to the guy, we’d be golden.

There was actually a point to this post, but in my ramblings I’ve completely forgotten it.

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No more Kings for this Princess

 What is the one piece of advice your parents gave you that still sticks with you today.

It’s kind of funny that I do this one today…

Any time my dad and I would fight (bc I was the oh so rebellious one) he’d tell me that no matter what “friends will come and go, but your family will always be here. You can’t get rid of them.”

Ironically…. He walked out of my life a few months back and I haven’t really heard from him since.

Granted, I called him a coward and told him not to talk to me ever again (he’s my dad… shouldn’t he at least TRY a little to make me change my mind? Fight, even a bit?). Out of all the times I’ve asked or told him to do something (He never once listened of followed through) he picked a hell of a time to actually do it.

So how much truth can there be in something he said time and time again? And how could he say that if he didn’t believe it? That’s what I’d like to know. Thankfully I have family in my life that not only loves me, but shows me that they love me, and I them. He was right about them, at least, because I know that I can count on them when I really need them. We may not talk frequently or see each other often anymore, but when we all get together it’s like no time has passed. That’s true family love.

Separately, he was wrong about the friends part, some of the very friends that he hated on so much have been there for me more than he’s ever been.