He’s Out There Somewhere

My dad’s birthday is coming up, Wednesday actually… and I don’t remember the last time we spoke. In fact I still don’t know where he lives, his life is all a mystery to me now. I think of him from time to time, rarely though, but still. He’s my dad, ya know?

166374_1707012605995_3240285_nI’m somewhat envious of the fact that my brothers still have some sort of relationship with him, even if they’re in the dark almost as much as I am. There’s still a chance for them to build on that. It’ll be a while until I have that opportunity, or before I even decide that I want that opportunity. I don’t really know how everything spiraled the way that it did, although in retrospect it’s best for everything that things ended the way that they did.

There are still many pieces to pick up and wounds to mend, but I’m getting there.

It’s hard to think that I went from being a daddy’s girl to being daddy’s black sheep.

Happy Birthday Dad.

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From Hot to Not

Well it seems that the Gentleman isn’t such a gentleman…

Maybe that isn’t the case, but it appears that whatever feelings he had aren’t there anymore because I haven’t heard from him. I was talking to a (guy) friend about this over the weekend. We’d been talking for almost 3 months… which is practically a relationship. I’m not really sure what happened with the Gentleman, prior to the last two weeks everything was hot. We communicated every day, saw each other pretty regularly and everything was non-stop. Then one week he was busy with work, a weekend came and we didn’t make plans (although still kept in touch) and then the next week came and I didn’t hear from him. Well I shouldn’t say I didn’t hear from him because I did, exactly three times. Two of which were in response to when I reached out to him. It’s funny, I think anyway. I got a text from him late Saturday night, reached out to him Wed (with little response) to find out he was sick and then again on Friday (to find out he was feeling better) and then nothing….

I reached out once after that and figured since I didn’t get a response it was safe to assume I wouldn’t be hearing from him again. It’s kind of disappointing, to say the least, considering before him I hadn’t really gone past an initial meeting with anyone. I told you, this dating thing is hard for me. I generally put in a lot of myself into a relationship and I’m not really sure that I have the heart to do it over and over again. My SIL keeps telling me to just go with it and have fun, date around. Meet people, go out, have fun! But in reality I have a hard time doing that because when I start to like someone I focus on that one person. Which kind of kills the whole “have fun and date around” thing. I find it difficult to share my attention now a days, when I was younger I could do it with no problem. I wasn’t always the most morally sound person, ya know? Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy receiving attention (ie: the Salesman or even the English kid) but ultimately my heart was with the Gentleman.

It’s annoying to think that things were going well between us and suddenly it’s over. And not know why. I wouldn’t be so concerned if he’d just come out and said “hey it’s not working” or something… but to not hear from him at all. Annoying. I fucking hate the fade out, I really do. I think it’s rude and inconsiderate. Plus, it doesn’t let me know what I did wrong (if anything) or give me the chance to fix it or make it (ME) better.

But… it is what it is, right?! Nothing left to do but move on with myself and keep going.

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The Mating Game

I’ve been sitting on this post for a while now… for some reason it’s been a challenge getting it put together and posted.

I know that I tend to write mostly about things going on in my dating life but really, at this point in my life, that’s the most interesting thing I have going on… I’m blaming the SLCS for this.

Anyway, before the last year or so I didn’t really put much effort into dating. I’d been dumped by a non-boyfriend and was pretty devastated over it. I pretty much spent 3 years of my life with someone only to be told “Sorry, I really like you but I found someone better” [Awesome] I can’t really talk shit about it because I knew what I was getting into, I was just blinded by the possibility that he might change his mind. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anyone to change more than I wanted him to change… I worry about him some times. But that is another story in itself.

I hung out with guys in the time since that ‘breakup’ but I didn’t really get close with anyone, mainly because I didn’t want to and because most of the guys were douchebags. I was trying to get over the douchebag phase. So here I am, almost one year (or is it two?) into actually paying attention to my love life and OMG Wtf guys WHY is dating so difficult as an adult? Was there some memo that went around that I missed about how I probably should have settled down at a younger age like almost everyone else I know because if not I’d end up old and alone? My mom has given up on me finding a “good man” so that I can settle down, now she’s just telling me to bring a baby home.”You don’t have to get married or have a boyfriend. AND You don’t even have to take care of the baby, I will… as if it were your little brother or sister.” [Yes, I’m serious.]

No, that’s not happening. I’m almost 100% sure that I don’t want kids, although she does have one point right… If I did have kids I would just bring them home (adoption ftw)!!

But I’m getting off track here. Dating is hard. Why did it get so hard and how the hell am I supposed to know who-what-where I’m going to find the one person for me?! I started paying attention to my online profiles, although there seem to be slim pickings there as I’m not interested in the guys who like me and visa versa. I’m beginning to think that maybe I should lower my standards a bit. But, the thing with that is that I don’t have anything ridiculous that would disqualify a man. If anything I’ve had to up my standards so that I can weed out the riff-raff (over the douchebags remember?)

Well I guess I can’t say it’s completely hard, I have been seeing a bit more of one guy but even so, I’m not sure WTF I’m doing or if I’m even doing it right. I’m so used to being a certain way with people because I know them, 97% of my past relationships were with people I had already known. I knew them inside and out and there was no questioning whether or not they thought I was crazy, clingy or just weird. But what I’m doing now, it’s completely different and I find myself wondering if I’m coming of crazy, clingy or just weird.

I read this article from the Thought Catalog that pretty much, well it didn’t really help ease my current aversion to relationship building but at least it let me know that I wasn’t the only one out there thinking “wtf”. As I’ve gone through various profiles and talked to guys it always comes down to one thing; looking for casual fun/relationship, nothing serious. What is that? So you’re looking for all of the perks of a girlfriend but not the title? Is it easier to just pick up and leave, if there’s no commitment, well yea of course. But what’s the point? Why not just advertise it as looking for a friend with high chance of getting it in at the end of the night!? At least then you’re honest about what you’re looking for, right? The whole “casual” thing is BS, I think anyway. Any guy I’ve spoken to who is looking for something more casual will speak to me and treat me like a girlfriend. I don’t want that, mainly because then I end up falling in love with you and you end up leaving me because I’m taking you at what you say, not what you’re doing. Sure, be nice to me but don’t be overly emotional when all you’re looking for is a booty call. What’s the point?! If I wanted something casual I’d go out to a bar and pick a random dude and get my jollies off. I’d be all over Tinder. But I’m not looking for something casual, I’m looking for something significant.

think I have that with the Gentleman from my Maybe It’s Me post… but I’m weary of it because of previous comments he’s made. (re: I may be clingy, crazy or weird) Wait, that’s worded weird, HE didn’t make comments about me being clingy, crazy or weird, but rather he made comments about the last girl he dated. Who oddly sounded like me in some respect, and I’m making a conscious effort to not BE that way. I think I actually like this guy so I’m trying not to mess it up. Which brings me to another question… when is it appropriate to have the whole “where is this going” conversation?!

In the end…. 

Every little girls dream

As a kid, did you ever wonder what you’d grow up to do? Apparently this is something that happened quite a bit when I was younger. Both my parents were professionals so of course they wanted me to be a professional as well. The only thing is that I had a laundry list of things that I wanted to be as a kid. Mainly, and I don’t have any recollection of this so for all I know it’s not true, mainly I wanted to be a maid. The reason that I’ve always found this hard to believe is because I’m not really one to like cleaning. Not that I don’t clean, obviously everyone has to clean at some point in order to maintain a healthy lifestyle, it’s just not something I’ve ever done with a smile on my face.

So there we have it, that was my big dream as a child. No idea where it came from but I definitely did not grow up to be a house maid.

In fact I didn’t grow up to be anything on that laundry list of professions. I didn’t have the patience to go through all of the years of schooling required to be a psychiatrist. I quickly lost interest in being teacher, mainly because I’m not big on children and I don’t have the patience to teach an adult. [My mother can attest to this as she’s been on the receiving end of my “lessons” Sorry Mom, it’s nothing personal I swear. Although I’m sure you think it is.]

In the end I went to college and spent so much time trying to figure out what I wanted to be that by the time I knew it I was 4 years in and oddly had enough credits to graduate… in what you ask? A BA in Communications!! The most general and bullshit degree a person can get. I think anyway. I’m told you can do anything you want with a degree in Communications and I see it listed on job ads, but it has yet to land me a good job. (~_^)

Most of my classes were intro classes in the marketing and advertising field, honestly I’m not even sure how anyone didn’t pick up on that and question it. I mean, isn’t that what guidance counselors are for? I think of my years in school I saw my counselor once and that was the first week of school. Shouldn’t they be there more often, if only to check in and see if I’m alive? I know I’m an adult and all but it would have been nice, ya know??

And yes, if you’ve been thinking about it… I do know that I cheated myself by not focusing, TRUST me… the student loan bills remind me plenty.

So there you have it, I went from having an (imaginary) career goal to having no real goals at all. Well I guess that’s not entirely true, I still have dreams. I’m just a bit slow on getting them started. But according to a psychic I saw once I need to continue dreaming because one day it will all come true! This, of course, is coming from the same woman who told me that I’d meet an older man and fall in love. I’m finding this all hard to believe when I’ve been meeting nothing but younger men in the last year.

You Can’t Ignore the Darker Days

Sometimes I do something foolish… sometimes I don’t take medicine that’s prescribed to me for depression. It’s foolish because after a day or two I feel absolutely miserable. I’ll feel fine the days that I don’t take it but suddenly it’ll it me and I’m reminded why I take it in the first place.

Yesterday I woke up feeling completely defeated. I literally had to talk myself out of bed, although the bright side to this is that I woke up earlier than normal so I made it to work early… but right, anyway. The entire day I went from “omfg you piss me off” to “wtf 2 chains is playing and I want to cry my eyes out”. It’s frustrating. And I know that it’s my fault.

I’ve been this way for a while, although before it wasn’t as bad. It actually didn’t get bad until after my grandparents passed away…. and I lost my dad at the same time. [Well, I shouldn’t say it like that, he’s not dead or anything, he’s just…. not around.] It’s like everything that could go wrong, did, and I didn’t handle it very well. I’ve always had darker days, but at that point it was just miserable. That was almost 2 years ago, and I still find myself feeling so desolate. I know that I’m not doing everything that I can in order to get better, but what I should be doing requires time and time isn’t something that I have a lot of these days. It’s on my to do list. Until then I try to occupy what little time I do have doing things that give me purpose and keep me up beat. So far it’s working, I just have to remember to follow the routine that I’ve made up for myself…

Because I’d actually like to not have to take anything and still feel that everything is going to be okay.

So yesterday was pretty bad, I actually found myself crying at random moments throughout the day. I guess you can say that anyway, I haven’t actually been able to cry in a while, but the past few days whatever emotions I’ve been holding back have come streaming out. Usually for no reason at all. It just feels like something bad is going to happen and all I wanted to do was crawl into bed. There’s this heavy feeling lurking around and I’m anxious to see what it is, waiting for “it” to happen, whatever “it” is. It’s bothersome and annoying.

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The Unwilted and Pure, or not.

I’ve officially made it past a first date, it’s been a while since that’s happened. Things have been going smoothly, we talk daily and I’m still amused.

However, there was an issue that was brought up the other day that had me thinking.  This guy’s a bit of a jokster – of course because I wouldn’t settle for anything less – so during one of our daily chats he decided it would be a good time to confess something.

“G, there’s one thing you should know about me that i failed to mention.”  (what’s that?)

(really?)
“yes, I am” (okay)
“Does that matter?”

Does it matter…. I didn’t respond as I was kind of baffled by the idea that someone I knew might actually be a virgin. Well, I shouldn’t say that because I do know someone who’s currently a virgin but she doesn’t make it a big ‘thing’ like some might. I knew that the next things out of my mouth had to be thought out… because my initial reaction was to ask “Why?” I liked this guy – or like rather because we’re still talking – so I didn’t want to offend him. Up until this point I’ve done a good job of not offending him, which is a feat in itself.

Immediately I did what any girl would do… I went to a friend. I figured if I got all of the things that I wanted to say out-of-the-way then I could approach my conversation with him in a positive manner.

But before I could respond to his last question he followed up with “I’m just kidding.” I’m sorry, what? I literally went on a rant about whether or not I’d actually be able to be with someone who was a virgin and you come out with “I’m kidding”. Just when I was going to commend him on being a male in his late twenties and still a virgin… nice.

The whole rest of the day I kind of felt like an asshole because for a brief moment I thought there was no way that I’d be able to have a romantic relationship with someone who wasn’t as ‘experienced’ as I was, right – I sound like an asshole. But in reality, I think it’s a great thing that there are people who  maintain their chastity. There’s nothing wrong with that… even if for a brief moment I thought I wouldn’t be able to do it. You know why? Because if you care about someone enough, you’d stick by them… right?!

Maybe it’s just Me

I’ve been sitting on this blog for a few days  now… I’m not entirely sure how I wanted to approach this one so here goes.

I found myself thinking about chivalry the other day. I hear a lot of women talk about how chivalry doesn’t exist anymore, but then turn around and call guys creeps for doing something that could be considered chivalrous. (O_o) I’m sorry, what? Somehow being nice comes off creepy. Trust me I know that there are creepy guys out there, I’ve met a few myself, but when I hear about some of the things that guys do in my head I’m going “aww” while the girl speaking is going “ewww”. So maybe it’s just me.

This is what started this; I’ve been talking to this guy from POF, in my time actively using that website for it’s intended purpose I haven’t really met anyone really worth meeting IRL (ah except for the Marine). This guy seemed different though, I wasn’t really sure why. After a couple of days exchanging messages he just asked “so what do you think?” He took it as an opportunity to suggest we move things off-line and gave me his phone number. I’ll usually give my number in return and secretly hope he’ll contact me first… which he did. [Throughout my dating history I’ve never been the one to initiate, and while the last year or so seems to be more ‘have to go out and get it’ I’d still rather the guy do it]

It didn’t take long before I started realizing that he was a bit different, not in a bad way, but just generally nicer than most guys that I’ve met (ever). It was fun. Maybe it’s just me and my shitty choice in male companions but I was surprised by the following;

  • He offered to pick me up on our first date – this doesn’t seem to happen anymore, and while I understand that bad things can happen have we really gone so far as this being a scary thing? Obviously I made him promise not to kidnap me, and he in turn made me promise that I was actually a woman.
  • He asked if we could speak on the phone – We did this… the phone call lasted about 3 hours and went more smoothly than I thought it would. I think this has happened one other time in the last two years. WTF is up with that? He said it was a lost art, and while I’m a woman of few words I completely agree with him.
  • He inquired about my last name – I’ve somehow gotten into the habit of not getting this information until much later. In general the really important shit that you should learn up front gets covered by every day mundane information.
  • He used my name, repeatedly –  Again, not something that’s really done (but maybe it’s just me). I actually like that he does this, and have made a point to do it myself. For some reason it’s a bit reassuring.

And that was all within one day… I actually made a comment about how he was a bit old-fashioned and then that it was sad I even considered this to be ‘old fashioned’. He just said he was raised that way.

So I guess that brings me to this; Why is it that the things listed above might seem weird, or creepy, to some rather than what should be done? Would these steps be considered chivalrous? What does chivalry even mean anymore? I know that some consider this to be a bad thing, as if to say that I’m unable to do things for myself therefore a man must do them for me… that’s not at all how I see it. It’s more of a courteous and polite way to behave towards another person, man or woman. But maybe that’s just me?

Growing up my dad told me that there was a specific way that men were supposed to treat women, if they respected you. Or even if they just cared. According to him this is what a man’s supposed to do;

  • Open (and hold) doors
  • Offer up your seat up to someone else
  • Offer your coat when you see that I’m cold – although I wouldn’t necessarily take it because then he would be cold but it’s the thought that counts.
  • Walk curbside
  • “Ladies first”
  • Pay attention and take the other person into consideration
  • Take my coat – this one maybe not as necessary, but again it’s the thought that counts.
  • Wait until you’ve reached the door before leaving
  • Walking me to the car
  • Offer your arm – I’ve always felt this was more for when you’re in a relationship with someone, I like linking arms or holding hands, it’s better than walking an arm’s length apart. Right?

Now, I’ve come to realize that my father wasn’t the best example in how a man should treat a woman, but how he put things is basically how I’d like to be treated. Be nice. Be courteous….. be aware that I’m even there! [And I’m not saying this is how guys NEED to treat women, but how you should treat others as a person. I’d hold the door open for you if I saw you coming up behind me or coming towards me… I’d offer my seat up to someone who needed it, etc.]

But these aren’t things people really do anymore…

Anyhow… this guy did that… all of that. It’s also little things that have come out in our conversations that have shown me that yea… there are still guys out there who do these kinds of things for women. And I’m fucking happy about that!

I want to be courted (I know it’s an out dated word, but it’s true) and no one seems to really DO that anymore….