A lot can happen in a few months, things have been busy but that’s been a good thing. If I keep busy then I can’t dwell on the personal things. If I can’t dwell on the personal things then I’m not sitting in a dark hole. I don’t want to sit in that hole, ever. Who does though, right?
I received a message from my Father last week, it’s been sitting there unread. I’m still angry, I’m still hurt and I still don’t really know how else to feel. I’ve been avoiding the fact that he reached out to me by burying his message. For whatever reason though, I decided to read it, finally… and then I cried. Hard. I find his words hard to believe, considering, but he felt the need to share them. And so I, in turn, felt the need to share them.
You might think that I never love you, but you were the most important person since I saw you, I wrote this several years ago
¡Así es la vida
Tres motivos la vida le dio
tres luceros Dios le presentó;
el primero corriendo llegó
a caminar papá le enseñó.
El mayor hombrecito salió
y a papi rápido siempre imitó
con su carro de Batman corrió
y un día la escuela acabó.
La siguiente… muchachita lloró
pues papi siempre la reprendió.
¡Papi, papi, mami no me dejó!
Pero un día el papi sólo quedó.
El tercero como siempre comió
la comida él nunca despreció.
Pero ahora la escuela conoció
Y a su papi también él dejó.
Tres motivos la vida le dio,
tres pequeños que ya él enseñó.
Cada uno a su tiempo voló…
y sólo con sus recuerdos quedó…
The last news that I have of my father is that he remarried and now has a daughter on the way. At 31 years old, I have a baby sister. A sister who I may never know.
My dad’s birthday is coming up, Wednesday actually… and I don’t remember the last time we spoke. In fact I still don’t know where he lives, his life is all a mystery to me now. I think of him from time to time, rarely though, but still. He’s my dad, ya know?
I’m somewhat envious of the fact that my brothers still have some sort of relationship with him, even if they’re in the dark almost as much as I am. There’s still a chance for them to build on that. It’ll be a while until I have that opportunity, or before I even decide that I want that opportunity. I don’t really know how everything spiraled the way that it did, although in retrospect it’s best for everything that things ended the way that they did.
There are still many pieces to pick up and wounds to mend, but I’m getting there.
It’s hard to think that I went from being a daddy’s girl to being daddy’s black sheep.
Happy Birthday Dad.
What is the one piece of advice your parents gave you that still sticks with you today.
It’s kind of funny that I do this one today…
Any time my dad and I would fight (bc I was the oh so rebellious one) he’d tell me that no matter what “friends will come and go, but your family will always be here. You can’t get rid of them.”
Ironically…. He walked out of my life a few months back and I haven’t really heard from him since.
Granted, I called him a coward and told him not to talk to me ever again (he’s my dad… shouldn’t he at least TRY a little to make me change my mind? Fight, even a bit?). Out of all the times I’ve asked or told him to do something (He never once listened of followed through) he picked a hell of a time to actually do it.
So how much truth can there be in something he said time and time again? And how could he say that if he didn’t believe it? That’s what I’d like to know. Thankfully I have family in my life that not only loves me, but shows me that they love me, and I them. He was right about them, at least, because I know that I can count on them when I really need them. We may not talk frequently or see each other often anymore, but when we all get together it’s like no time has passed. That’s true family love.
Separately, he was wrong about the friends part, some of the very friends that he hated on so much have been there for me more than he’s ever been.
Prompt: Narrate a conversation between you and someone in your life who you never had closure with (a friend, an ex, a family member, etc.) What would you say? What would they say? What outcome would you hope for?
So… I’m not entirely sure that I can do this prompt. I know I’m slacking on this blog challenge but this one’s rough. There’s only one person that I’d really consider writing about for this and it’s not an ex or anything. It’s actually my dad.
I’ve often wondered what I would say to him if we actually spoke to one another. More so I’ve thought about what would happen if he ever tried to apologize. Or even if I’d even want that to happen?! So… until I’m actually ready to face this (internal) conversation, I’m going to leave it be for now.
I know, waste of a post…. I just had to say it, I’ll try to catch up and finish this challenge though!
I have been going over everything that has happened in the last couple of years and I find myself torn between how I currently feel and how I should feel considering the relationship as a whole.
I have no clue who you are anymore and that scares me, partially because we are so much alike and I’m scared that I will turn out to be just like you. But mostly because you are NOT the person that I’ve know for so long, I have no idea who you are, and I don’t like it. I feel like my entire life has been a lie… you are a lie. Everything that you’ve said to me or shown me has become irrelevant. How can I live my life based on these hypocrisies, rethinking everything that I know, every value I hold dear when it came from someone like you?
I’d like to think, to hope, that you think of me even if the lines of communication have been broken. I’d like to hope that you still care and that I wasn’t some part of an elaborate scheme to ruin your life… even if that’s how you sometimes made it seem.
I cannot fully express the emotions I feel for you, cannot begin to put them into words without blinding rage coming over me. Turning my generally calm demeanor into that of Jekyll and Hyde. I’m not used to such emotions, not used to the way that my mind and body change with every mention of your name. The sickness that overcomes me.
I cannot say for sure where the road will lead us… or that we will every truly heal from this. At least I cannot say that I will fully heal, when such a big part of my life has been shattered. And I feel that “they” are lucky in that they’re able to retain some form of relationship with you, although I’m not sure that would be the case had they lived through what I have had to endure. What I continue to endure.
How damaging you’ve become to me. I never thought it would all come down to this, like this…
I never thought my own father would abandon me. Especially when I was going through an already difficult time, which you would have know had you even cared to ask. The last few years have been so emotionally draining that I struggle just to make it through the day. But you never even noticed…
Let’s not even get into how this experience has changed my view on men and relationships, huge thanks for that mind fuck, by the way.
The things you could or more likely will miss out on….
Your only and lost daughter
(Not exactly a love letter, but a letter nonetheless)
Today is such a bitter sweet day…
It still breaks my heart to think about all of the things that have happened in the last year or two. I’m blessed to have been given life, especially the life that I’ve been given, but it hurts to know that the one person who is supposed to be a positive figure, isn’t. Fortunately I’m also blessed to have other male figures who have shown me love and respect and who have given me an alternate view of how a dad should be.
So to those who can bring a child, that isn’t their own, into their heart and love them like kin… I thank and respect you. There should be more people like you.
I’m dedicating today to my grandpa (who I miss dearly), to my older brother, and to all of my male friends who have stepped up to the challenge of raising a human being.