A lot can happen in a few months, things have been busy but that’s been a good thing. If I keep busy then I can’t dwell on the personal things. If I can’t dwell on the personal things then I’m not sitting in a dark hole. I don’t want to sit in that hole, ever. Who does though, right?
I received a message from my Father last week, it’s been sitting there unread. I’m still angry, I’m still hurt and I still don’t really know how else to feel. I’ve been avoiding the fact that he reached out to me by burying his message. For whatever reason though, I decided to read it, finally… and then I cried. Hard. I find his words hard to believe, considering, but he felt the need to share them. And so I, in turn, felt the need to share them.
You might think that I never love you, but you were the most important person since I saw you, I wrote this several years ago
¡Así es la vida
Tres motivos la vida le dio
tres luceros Dios le presentó;
el primero corriendo llegó
a caminar papá le enseñó.
El mayor hombrecito salió
y a papi rápido siempre imitó
con su carro de Batman corrió
y un día la escuela acabó.
La siguiente… muchachita lloró
pues papi siempre la reprendió.
¡Papi, papi, mami no me dejó!
Pero un día el papi sólo quedó.
El tercero como siempre comió
la comida él nunca despreció.
Pero ahora la escuela conoció
Y a su papi también él dejó.
Tres motivos la vida le dio,
tres pequeños que ya él enseñó.
Cada uno a su tiempo voló…
y sólo con sus recuerdos quedó…
The last news that I have of my father is that he remarried and now has a daughter on the way. At 31 years old, I have a baby sister. A sister who I may never know.
I have been going over everything that has happened in the last couple of years and I find myself torn between how I currently feel and how I should feel considering the relationship as a whole.
I have no clue who you are anymore and that scares me, partially because we are so much alike and I’m scared that I will turn out to be just like you. But mostly because you are NOT the person that I’ve know for so long, I have no idea who you are, and I don’t like it. I feel like my entire life has been a lie… you are a lie. Everything that you’ve said to me or shown me has become irrelevant. How can I live my life based on these hypocrisies, rethinking everything that I know, every value I hold dear when it came from someone like you?
I’d like to think, to hope, that you think of me even if the lines of communication have been broken. I’d like to hope that you still care and that I wasn’t some part of an elaborate scheme to ruin your life… even if that’s how you sometimes made it seem.
I cannot fully express the emotions I feel for you, cannot begin to put them into words without blinding rage coming over me. Turning my generally calm demeanor into that of Jekyll and Hyde. I’m not used to such emotions, not used to the way that my mind and body change with every mention of your name. The sickness that overcomes me.
I cannot say for sure where the road will lead us… or that we will every truly heal from this. At least I cannot say that I will fully heal, when such a big part of my life has been shattered. And I feel that “they” are lucky in that they’re able to retain some form of relationship with you, although I’m not sure that would be the case had they lived through what I have had to endure. What I continue to endure.
How damaging you’ve become to me. I never thought it would all come down to this, like this…
I never thought my own father would abandon me. Especially when I was going through an already difficult time, which you would have know had you even cared to ask. The last few years have been so emotionally draining that I struggle just to make it through the day. But you never even noticed…
Let’s not even get into how this experience has changed my view on men and relationships, huge thanks for that mind fuck, by the way.
The things you could or more likely will miss out on….
Your only and lost daughter
(Not exactly a love letter, but a letter nonetheless)