Hello blog, remember me?
I’m going to start by saying: I am not a kid person, I think I’ve mentioned this before, I just don’t know how to handle them and get frustrated with the fact that they can’t talk. Once they know how to talk and poop on their own then we’re OK, but until then please keep your distance.
That being said, I’ve never had the desire to have my own children, despite constant pleas to “bring home babies” so that my mom can have grand kids. She has grand kids… five to be exact, two by blood and three by marriage… except they’re on the west coast. So I guess to her that doesn’t really count. I’ve thought about adoption, figured that would be the safest way to go about it – if I ever found someone to co-parent – I’d obviously get the kid at the age where s/he can talk and poop on their own.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get to adopt though, it’s expensive and while I could do it on my own (I suppose) it’d be better if I were in a stable/loving relationship, and who knows when the hell that’s going to happen. So I realized that the thing that saddens me most about my lack of wanting kids is that I won’t have anyone to pass things on to.
The idea of having heirlooms amazes me, and I’ve seen friends – coworkers – strangers who’ve had things handed down to them from their mother etc. But then again, I don’t really have any real possessions that anyone would want, but that’s neither here nor there. The thing that gets me the most is that there won’t be any mother/daughter bonding moments in the kitchen, around the holidays, or even just on a Friday night. So what the heck am I collecting all of these recipes for? Everything I’ve taught myself or learned along the way to adulthood, who have I been learning all of that for if I have no one to share it with?
I’m moving soon, and I’m kind of excited to finally be in my own home. Even more so, I’m excited to go through the boxes that my aunt gave me when she was cleaning out my Grandma’s kitchen. I was touched when we showed up that day and she told me I could have whatever else I wanted out of the kitchen. I’m not entirely sure what’s in the boxes other than some glasses, and plates that I loved. I also have some household items that belonged to my Grandma.I supposed I could pass all of these things on to my nieces, but it’s hard when they live so far away. I’d like to give them more than just money when I die, and hope that maybe they’ll pass my things on to their children. That will probably have to do.
IN OTHER news…
I have a sister (maybe, I’m not sure when she’s supposed to be born except for it’s going to happen this month). I’m 31 and I have a baby sister. When I was in high school I had a friend who ended up having a baby brother. I thought it was weird, her being 18 and all, that’s such a huge age gab. If only I’d foresee my own future, I wouldn’t have made comments (to myself or otherwise). I don’t know if I’ll ever meet this sister since I don’t have a relationship with my father. Sometimes I think it will be nice, to be able to get to know her and see her grow up. I’ve always wanted a sister, I wasn’t too happy when my parents came home with a baby boy. (ha – I love him now though, so we’re OK) If not, I have these thoughts – hopes – whatever that she’ll come find me one day. I’ll be going on 50 by the time she’s reached the legal age to make her own decisions. And that’s even if she’ll KNOW that I exist. Or maybe I’ll go find her, I’m not sure. I just hope she is a better person than the ones who raised her, and deep down hope that she’s just like me (or ‘worse’). History does tend to repeat itself! I mean my dad basically re-enacted his father’s life (who he despised btw). I still don’t understand it, any of it.
Both of my brothers have told me that I should talk to him; the older is a bit more supportive of the idea that it’s not going to happen any time soon. I have much to get through myself before I even start to get into that whole side of things. It’s on my To-do List, although I think I’ve been saying that for a while, but for serious this time. Once I move and am more settled I’m going to therapy! That aspect of my life has been okay, although lately I’ve found myself withdrawing more. It doesn’t help that I have two jobs, (three if you count the DU Blog) and little time to do anything else except eat and sleep. But I try to make time to go out and be around people, so I’m trying.
I kind of envy my brothers, and the fact that they’re able to maintain some semblance of a relationship with my father. They’re lucky that they weren’t around to see the demise of our relationship, they didn’t have to deal with things the way that I did. I envy them for that as well, it all took its toll, and I’m still picking up the pieces.
But I’ll get there… one day.