The further the better, and the harder I’ll fall.

Re-thinking this whole dating thing…

Like, I don’t know if I want to really do it anymore.

Because I’ve been doing it for OMG SO LONG.

No but really, I was thinking that I’ve had more canceled dates than actual dates and maybe I should take that as a sign that I’m really not cut out for this dating thing.

I was actually supposed to go out for a drink Tuesday night but it didn’t happen. Why? Because his friends were throwing him a surprise going away party… because he’s moving… to Ohio. Yea, I know, please refer to #1 under “gina”.  I did it again, met someone actually pretty cool and we hit it off. Only for him to tell me way into the conversation that he’d been offered a job out-of-state.  He still felt that he owed me coffee or something and wanted to meet, so we set up a time/date/place. And then I got a text saying he couldn’t make it, very apologetic which I guess is nice but still a bummer. He also send this “And besides, you’re too pretty to only hang out with once”. Is that supposed to make me feel better about it all?  Because it doesn’t.

I’ve also been talking to this guy from Oxford. He’s currently in town and we kinda hit it off. Of course, because that’s what I do… even my EX’s think so!

2013-12-03_2153It’s what I do… I find the most unavailable person out of the bunch and swoon over him.

On that note, Michigan is coming to visit in 15 days. I got a snapchat pic saying he was counting down the days. The girl in me immediately thought he was counting down the days until he saw ME. But the realist said that he’s just excited to leave the base and see his family & friends. I’m not even sure if I LIKE him, so much as I like the idea of him. We haven’t seen each other in a really long time so I don’t know how we’ll interact with one another. As of right now we’re going to head to Headquarters Beercade for drinks before going to the Mid or some other place, that part hasn’t been confirmed just yet. His birthday is the next day but he hasn’t extended any invitation to whatever it is he’s doing, and I’m not expecting one… but I was kind of hoping he’d want to hang out as much as possible. I mean… a year ago the guy said we should give each other a chance even if we lived in two different states. Although, he hasn’t said anything about anything since then so maybe he didn’t really mean it and we’re just friends.

We’ll see…

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3 cats in the bag

Prompt: Where you are in life vs. where you thought you would be at this point.

I’m not at all where I thought I’d be by this age.
I used to think that by this age I’d already be married or at the very least off living some fabulous life in the city. I have accomplished neither of those… I’ve spent my life dating the wrong guys and running from the right ones, only thinking about what it would be like to spend the rest of my life with “the one”. I’ve come close a couple of times, but again I’m better off not having married either guys. (They’re both married now)
As for the fabulous city life, that’s always been pushed back. I am still trying to figure some things out, especially now with my living situation. At this moment I need a job that had better pay, that way I can live somewhere comfortably and not in the hood. Not that I’m expecting some fancy elaborate place, I’d be fine with a small one bedroom. But as is that’s not currently possible, so I’m trying to change that! Because if I don’t I’ll have to relocate to a different city and that’s not something I really want to do. (No offense stl/family) Although there are some perks to that, I love Chicago way too much. Lol

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Date night vs The Marine

I went out in a date this past Sunday, with an ex-Marine who we’ll call Mr. Swishy pants.

I decided it was actually time to start “dating” and not just collect potential dates. The Pre-date was quick, there wasn’t the usual exchange of random “getting to know you” text so I figured the actual date would be interesting. He didn’t wait long to ask either, something I thought was good. Exchanged messages for two days and probably waited a day before asking me out. Most of the guys that I’ve met online tend to end up being ‘pen pals’ even though they all specifically note that they’re not looking for more friends. I guess I’m not interesting enough to move forward, either that or they’re waiting for me to ask which isn’t going to happen. Lol So yea, I did things a bit differently with this guy…

The date was planned a couple days in advance, and there was no contact until the day of, which I thought was odd but whatever. I wasn’t really feeling up to the date and actually thought about canceling but by the time I decided it was time to leave. I sucked it up and made the 20 minute drive to the Mexican restaurant he’d chosen. I don’t mind eating at Mexican places, but I’m generally critical of them. Unless they’re dirty holes in the wall, those are usually delicious as hell. This place wasn’t so delicious, although I’m basing this solely on the order of nachos that we split. Someone needs to tell the chef’s at this place that layering a bunch of chips with melted cheese and a bit of sour cream and guacamole are not nachos. Specifically, you don’t garnish NACHOS with a half slice of tomato. Really?! No.

When I go out for something like this I try to arrive a few minutes early to avoid ME having to walk in awkwardly and look around the establishment. Well, it didn’t happen that way because he’d gotten there before me and sent a text letting me know where he was sitting. Thankfully I was able to spot him right away so I avoided that awkward search. Now, I’m not entirely sure how to proceed and often find myself having an internal battle as to whether or not there should be a handshake, a hug or just a simple “hello”. I had a friend recommend I just reach over and grab the guy’s ass, but I’m not sure that’d go over well, at least not with people who have good intentions.

We did the usual introduction, he complimented my outfit, which was nice I mean who doesn’t like a compliment. I dressed up a bit, but decided against wearing heels figuring it was Sunday night and we were going out in the suburbs. I’m glad I made that decision because he was dressed down. So much so that he was wearing swishy athletic pants. He did make note that he came directly from work, but if you knew you were meeting someone for a “date” wouldn’t you bring a change of clothes? I let it slide when I noticed that his shirt was snug around his body, this ex-Marine clearly still kept in shape.

Now, I admit I am not the most talkative person and sometimes struggle at keeping a conversation going, especially with someone that I don’t know. This can be an issue, I know this and I am trying to work this out. Hence me trying to go on dates. Someone once told me that dates are like interviews, the more you go on the better you get at them. Hopefully that’s true. So we’re sitting there, him sipping on what I think was a mojito and me sipping on a glass of water, awkwardly looking at each other and he’s asking questions. They were good questions, but they were the kind of questions that had follow up questions, I guess he didn’t know that because any time I answered he was just like “OK”. Like I said, I’m not the best at keeping a conversation going so there were quite a few moments of silence, while I pretended to watch the football game or fidget with my hands. Which he noticed by the way ::cue the blush::

Thankfully he noticed the time and we had to move on to our next stop, which was across the parking lot and in a dollar theater. I was actually surprised by this place, it had semi current movies. There’s one in the town that I live in, although I’m not sure if tickets are still a dollar, but it always plays movies that are already out on DVD. Our options weren’t stellar but he didn’t care and I got to pick. After some thought I passed on Monsters, Inc and Despicable Me 2 (mental note have to go back to see those) and went with The Wolverine. I figured it was a “manly” movie and really, I just wanted to see it because who doesn’t like a topless Hugh Jackman?! We get our tickets and go into the theater and sit at the back of the theater, I’m guessing these were the “make out” seats because they were pretty much in a dark corner (even with the lights on). Things are alright, I’ve kinda got my ‘defense’ up because I’m just weird like that and sit in weird positions when I’m in a movie theater seat. He was clearly not into the movie and even ended up falling asleep a couple of times, which was actually kind of funny. At some point I sat like a normal person and he took my hand (before thoroughly inspecting it) and had me scratch his back. (okay, kind weird, but whatever) That didn’t last long before he sat up said thanks and gave me a peck on the cheek.  (not a problem) Except then he leaned over and put his head on my shoulder, which I can’t imagine was at all comfortable because he’s a tall guy and I am a short girl. (it didn’t bother me really) There were two questionable moments while he was sitting like this; he had his arm laid out across me and his hand grazed my hip/ass. He immediately moved it though, I kind of flinched when he did that. And the second time he did the “stretch” move and ended up grabbing some side boob. Well I shouldn’t say grab because it was more of a graze, again I flinched and he looked at me and apologized. (interesting) He ended up using his coat as a pillow and continued to lean on me while he slept. (weird) Towards the end of the movie he said something so I looked to my side and right as I was about to turn back he went in for a kiss. Which ended up landing on my cheek. He made a comment about no kissing on the first date and then went back to sleep, he wasn’t as attentive after that. (oops!)

As soon as we walked out of the movie theater he did this half hearted stretch & yawn and said he was calling it a night. He walked me to my car, we hugged and he thanked me for coming out. I, in turn, thanked him for “dinner & the movie”. I didn’t think it went too bad, there were a few moments that I made some mental notes (like when he didn’t hold the door open leaving the restaurant and not opening the door walking into the theater). Little things like that I notice and consider “strikes” against you.

Normally I know I’ll hear back when I get a text on the drive home, or sometime in the morning the next day…. didn’t happen. Aaah well, guess there’s no second date with Mr. Swishy Pants.

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I decided to shoot a text to a couple of guys that I’ve been talking to over the last month or so, maybe one of them will want to get this ball rolling. (no one responded LOL) I’m sure it’ll be a couple more weeks before I get another date, at least that seems to be the trend.
Random; I found a pretty funny article so click on the picture and check it out. It’s called “EIGHT AWKWARD ONLINE DATING MOMENTS AND HOW TO GET OUT OF THEM”. I will be making note of these because I’ve already started running into a few of these issues.

Put your life on repeat

Welcome to an Oldie, this was actually posted on myspace but even now I think this holds true. I’m not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing because it seems to happen a lot. Maybe my life runs on a continuous cycle, which may be bad.

====            Dated May 27th, 2009

Sometimes it is more than just the ‘little’ things that matter.

You can’t say that just because you are nice to someone, that you treat them well. Sometimes it’s more than the little gestures that you find yourself performing. Sometimes it’s about the big ones… the ones that you don’t normally do or don’t normally think about. Things that seem big to you but little to most everyone else. It’s more than just the little things… 

and almost always it’s about making sure you keep doing them because once you stop, all sorts of stuff can happen. It shouldn’t matter how much time passes or how well you’ve grown to know the person… keep telling them that they mean something to you. Keep telling them that they have pretty eyes or a nice smile or that you like their personality. Keep opening the door or letting them go ahead of you, or picking up whatever it is that fell on the floor (behind them). Don’t stop doing theses things… just because time has passed.

Sometimes I want only to hear the little things that I’ve heard before but almost fear I will never hear again. Yes, I understand to say ‘never’ is a long shot wrong because you never really know how things will turn out. But when life goes as it has gone for me… you begin  start to be(come) discouraged. You begin to wonder what it is that you’re doing wrong when you don’t see yourself getting what it is that you want.

I want to hear someone tell me that they love me again, tell me that they like me, need me, or how they think that their life has changed (for the better) since I’ve come around. I want to hear the things that inappropriate people have been telling me my entire life… but I want to hear them from someone who matters. From the ‘appropriate’ person… 

There is a part of me that often wonders what the hell I’m doing with my life that I haven’t really gotten to where I want to be. It’s hard for a person like me to not think about what ‘went wrong’ and so on… it’s hard for a person like me to do much of anything in regards to that aspect of life. 

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Shaken, Not Stirred • More deep Myspace thoughts.

Secret Obsession

And there you have it, something that I’ve thought over and over throughout the years as I’ve gone back and forth with myself. Sometimes I think that there’s nothing more I’d rather do than share myself with another person, and then there are times where I feel that I can share myself with no one. Either way it’s an amazing feeling to have someone love you. So make sure the people in your life know it!!

Baseball, Booze and Ex-boyfriends

I spent the weekend in St. Louis, the Cardinals were playing against the Cubs and my cousin gave me tickets for Saturday’s game. The drive down took longer than I’d hoped thanks to a ton of construction on I55 so I made it in time to hear that the Cardinals won and I was to go straight to Busch stadium to meet my cousins. If the Cardinals won the organization was going to have a party for employees so I quickly changed my clothes and drove downtown.

image(Thnx Cardinal Nation for hooking it up with some tasty beverages!)

My cousin M met me at the employee entrance and guided me straight to the bar (hey, mega thanks to the Cardinals organization I definitely needed that drink)! While I was waiting to get my drink my cousin C came up and all I heard next was “OMG it’s my cousin G!! What are you doing here, I didn’t know you were coming!” She’s small, but boy can she yell! And then this happens:
C: I work with your ex-boyfriend
Me: (confused) You do? Who? (Trying to think who the heck she could be talking about because everyone I’ve ever dated has either been a die hard Cubs or White Sox fan)
C: A guy you dated in high school.
Me: OK really, who is it? (Still confused)
C: God’s Helper! He started working here and was like ‘I dated your cousin’ I didn’t know you guys dated!”
Me: oh, right. Him. (Pause) OMG he’s not here is he?
C: No, I don’t think so.

I almost ran out of there and into the nearest bar to hide. I haven’t talked to or seen God’s Helper in 13 years, since he told me that he’d lost his virginity to some chick (after he’d told me that he was saving himself for me, because we were supposed to get married). We’d been dating for a while, and at 16/17 this was the best relationship I’d ever been in… we met through a cousin of mine who went to school with him. We’d write each other multiple letters a week (long, elaborate letters), talk everyday after school from the moment we walked in the door until we were called for dinner and then again in the evening until it was time for bed. We’d even “slept together” a couple of times a week… as in we’d stay on the phone so late at night that we’d both fall asleep. It was pretty fucking adorable and my friends were jealous of this amazing boyfriend that I had. Ugh I guess I should explain… God’s Helper lived near St. Louis and I was up near Chicago. We didn’t see each other very often but we were pretty loyal to each other, plus at 16/17 I was naive enough to believe that he loved me and that we’d go to college together and then get married after graduation. I even went so far as to agree to have babies with him so he could have a little baseball team (I don’t want babies). Plus I was really impressed that a guy as attractive and popular as he was could be interested in someone like me, especially impressed that at 18 he’d gone this far without giving into the pressure of sex. He was so enamored that he’d decided we’d end up together and I was the special girl. Well… I was special until he met someone else. On April 1st 2000 my cousin told me that she thought he might be seeing someone on the side, so I asked him, of course! I thought it was a cruel April’s Fool joke and of course because he was a good Christian boy, he didn’t deny it. He apologized profusely and said he still loved me. Loved me so much that he could no longer hurt me and said God had brought him into my life in order to help me. And now that I was in a better place God told him that his job was done. At this point in my life I’d started to question my religious upbringing and thought he was full of shit. If God had really spoken to him and told him to help me, then clearly God would have told him that lying and cheating were sins. That he was actually breaking TWO of God’s holy commandments… so how could God have actually spoken to him! After that I never spoke to him again. Two years later when I was attending the college we were both supposed to go to I contemplated looking him up, but didn’t. In 2007 I heard that he and the girl got married…and this weekend I was told that they recently had a baby. Joy! What’s even better is that I know a couple of people in the organization and now they ALL know that we dated. Awesome!

So while I had an amazing time I was always looking over my shoulder in case he happened to pop up because I did NOT want to run into him.

image(My yearly Cubs/Cadinals game- one of the only Cubs games I go to a year.)

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After Saturday’s game (cardinals win again!) my cousin M and I went to this club on Washington Ave. Earlier that week she set up a signing with Yadier Molina and after all was said and done he invited her to an event that his record label was having for one of their artists. So we’re hanging out listening to music and she spots Yadi, we go over and after talking to security he comes over and says hi. I’ve heard of the guy but I’m not really into baseball so I didn’t really KNOW who he was. Apparently people are afraid of him but dude looked really nice, and he was. M pointed out a couple of the other players that were there, but again… I didn’t know who they were lol. Except one, she made it very clear on the way to the club that I should know one; Jaime Garcia. A young, attractive and single pitcher. She’d mentioned that he wasn’t playing this season because of an injury but that he was a really nice guy and she saw him all the time in the gym. Apparently this was also “set G up with a man” weekend, because the night before C asked if there were any guys at the party that I liked so she’d introduce me, go figure I picked out all of the married guys- oops! So M talk’s this guy up, I wasn’t really into the idea for a couple of reasons but mainly because the guy was a baseball player; I was sure that he wouldn’t be interested in me and had better looking girls throwing themselves at him.

M got all excited when she spotted Jaime sitting with Yadi and said that I should go meet him. Yea, let me just talk my way through security and the mass of women who were also waiting to get up into the VIP section. (no thanks) I will admit, that she was right about one thing- Jaime was pretty damn hot. I’m not generally attracted to Hispanic men, too many negative stigmas associated with them and I really have yet to meet one that hasn’t hurt me. (I know, not ALL men are dogs just like not all Hispanic men are liars, cheaters, dicks, etc) I’ve just generally not been interested and the two hispanic men I HAVE dated were halfixans raised by the “half” side.

Unfortunately for the main artist there weren’t a lot of people in the club, fortunately for ME it gave me a clear view of Jaime. Ha! And because of this any time I glanced his way I saw that he was looking ours. This is what I’m telling myself, so this is what I am choosing to believe! When we’d move, he’d move… so it must be true! Towards the end of the night Yadi sent his manager over to check on us and we ended up back at VIP. So what does M do, she walks up to Jaime, pushes me forward and introduces us! I suddenly got so nervous, not because of who he was but because it’s always awkward when anyone tries to hook me up with someone. We didn’t talk really, it was just an introduction after all, and there was a line of girls trying to get to him. But he came off like a nice guy, he asked if I’d prefer English or Spanish, and responded (in Spanish) that either worked so it was his preference. Before we could continue a drunk girl pushed past me and started talking to him so I took a step back before she pushed me down on the couch. Lol almost immediately Yadi walked over, thanked us for coming and wished us a good night. The lights came on and the party was over… we said goodbye to Jaime and walked out. Ha as soon as we got into the car M thanked me for not acting like a super fan, I mean how could I? I didn’t really know who these guys were or what they did until that night. She said she’d try and put in a good word for me the next time she saw Jaime in the gym or around the organization. Um ok lol. And since he wouldn’t be in town next weekend when I’m there again, we’d just have to go to another game. I think she’s determined to have this guy wife me… good luck M, good luck.

So that was the excitement of this weekend, drank on the Cardinal’s dime and met some baseball players all while trying to avoid seeing and talking about a guy who broke my heart in high school. Fun times. I wonder what excitement NEXT weekend will bring, actually I’m pretty sure what excitement it will bring and I’m not really looking forward to it.

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Saw this little beauty parked next to the stadium. Earlier that morning I heard that VW is stopping production of this model. Whatever they have left in Brazil is all that’s left. (-_-;)

imageMy home away from home… good ol’ St. Louis.  It doesn’t matter that I left when I was 7 years old, I spent half of my youth there and all of my family is there. So, I will always consider it home, and maybe just maybe when I’m older and “more settled” I’ll move there. I said maybe.

Doctors, Diets and Life changes, start tomorrow.

 

Without going into too much detail I’ve been going to the doctor pretty frequently the last three years or so.  I’d finally gotten it down to one doctor’s appointment every six months. The last time I went in (August) my doctor said we could start going back to a regular schedule, so I was really looking forward to not having to be back until the following August!!! I mean, I’d been in there so often that my doctor, nurse practitioner, and receptionist knew just as much about me as one of my friends did.

I figured, since we’re now into our third week of September, that as always “no news, is good news”. Well that wasn’t the case, I received a call yesterday and when she didn’t leave a message I figured it wasn’t good.  And of course, it wasn’t.

The doctor suggests adding a multi-vitamin to my daily routine and doing what I could keep my immune system up. I’ve made some small changes over the last couple of years and health wise I’ve been much better! Enough so that I’ve even lost weight. So there I was after work, thinking about what my doctor said and trying to see what I have to continue doing. I’m hoping that by documenting it, it’ll push me to follow through.

Things I need to do in order to not only keep my health in check, but to also put me in an overall better place.

1. Regular exercise:  I’ve read and have been told that just 20 minutes of a steady rapid heartbeat would be beneficial. I’ve never really been good at maintaining an exercise regime, so this one I KNOW will be difficult.

2. Get more antioxidants in your diet: This is where the multi-vitamin comes in, along with keeping up with the changes I’ve made to my diet.  I think this one will be the easiest because antioxidant rich vegetables/fruits are freaking GOOD! And for the most part, we always keep a good chunk of them in the house.

3. Adequate sleep:  This one will also be difficult considering I have the hardest time sleeping. I’ve always been more of a night person, and what sleep I do get is usually broken up into short segments.

4. Practice relaxation techniques: LESS STRESS!!! Comes right after exercise. I can’t say that life is going all that smoothly lately. But… I’m trying hard not to let too much stress build up.

5. Laugh: When in doubt, just do something fun. Leave your troubles behind you and let loose once in a while.

This is the plan, this is how it’s going to be the next couple of months, and hopefully in doing all of this my next doctor’s visit will come with better news.

This was the plan, of course, until I came home to this;

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A new recipe for stuffed pork chops with homemade stuffing and green beans. Next time, I’ll have to put the pork chops in a brine, the flavor didn’t stick as much as I would have liked, but it was still good. There are always improvements with food! An added bonus, the stuffing tasted like the one my grandma always made, except we were missing the meat. I’ll have to make note of this come Thanksgiving.

So this is me, saying I’m going to continue to take care of myself, or at least take better care of myself. And for you to do the same!

Unspoken truth, unresolved questions

Dear Sir,
I have been going over everything that has happened in the last couple of years and I find myself torn between how I currently feel and how I should feel considering the relationship as a whole.
I have no clue who you are anymore and that scares me, partially because we are so much alike and I’m scared that I will turn out to be just like you. But mostly because you are NOT the person that I’ve know for so long, I have no idea who you are, and I don’t like it. I feel like my entire life has been a lie… you are a lie. Everything that you’ve said to me or shown me has become irrelevant. How can I live my life based on these hypocrisies, rethinking everything that I know, every value I hold dear when it came from someone like you?
I’d like to think, to hope, that you think of me even if the lines of communication have been broken. I’d like to hope that you still care and that I wasn’t some part of an elaborate scheme to ruin your life… even if that’s how you sometimes made it seem.
I cannot fully express the emotions I feel for you, cannot begin to put them into words without blinding rage coming over me. Turning my generally calm demeanor into that of Jekyll and Hyde. I’m not used to such emotions, not used to the way that my mind and body change with every mention of your name. The sickness that overcomes me.
I cannot say for sure where the road will lead us… or that we will every truly heal from this. At least I cannot say that I will fully heal, when such a big part of my life has been shattered. And I feel that “they” are lucky in that they’re able to retain some form of relationship with you, although I’m not sure that would be the case had they lived through what I have had to endure. What I continue to endure.
How damaging you’ve become to me. I never thought it would all come down to this, like this…
I never thought my own father would abandon me. Especially when I was going through an already difficult time, which you would have know had you even cared to ask. The last few years have been so emotionally draining that I struggle just to make it through the day. But you never even noticed…
Let’s not even get into how this experience has changed my view on men and relationships, huge thanks for that mind fuck, by the way.
The things you could or more likely will miss out on….
Sincerely,
Your only and lost daughter

(Not exactly a love letter, but a letter nonetheless)