3 cats in the bag

Prompt: Where you are in life vs. where you thought you would be at this point.

I’m not at all where I thought I’d be by this age.
I used to think that by this age I’d already be married or at the very least off living some fabulous life in the city. I have accomplished neither of those… I’ve spent my life dating the wrong guys and running from the right ones, only thinking about what it would be like to spend the rest of my life with “the one”. I’ve come close a couple of times, but again I’m better off not having married either guys. (They’re both married now)
As for the fabulous city life, that’s always been pushed back. I am still trying to figure some things out, especially now with my living situation. At this moment I need a job that had better pay, that way I can live somewhere comfortably and not in the hood. Not that I’m expecting some fancy elaborate place, I’d be fine with a small one bedroom. But as is that’s not currently possible, so I’m trying to change that! Because if I don’t I’ll have to relocate to a different city and that’s not something I really want to do. (No offense stl/family) Although there are some perks to that, I love Chicago way too much. Lol

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Baseball, Booze and Ex-boyfriends

I spent the weekend in St. Louis, the Cardinals were playing against the Cubs and my cousin gave me tickets for Saturday’s game. The drive down took longer than I’d hoped thanks to a ton of construction on I55 so I made it in time to hear that the Cardinals won and I was to go straight to Busch stadium to meet my cousins. If the Cardinals won the organization was going to have a party for employees so I quickly changed my clothes and drove downtown.

image(Thnx Cardinal Nation for hooking it up with some tasty beverages!)

My cousin M met me at the employee entrance and guided me straight to the bar (hey, mega thanks to the Cardinals organization I definitely needed that drink)! While I was waiting to get my drink my cousin C came up and all I heard next was “OMG it’s my cousin G!! What are you doing here, I didn’t know you were coming!” She’s small, but boy can she yell! And then this happens:
C: I work with your ex-boyfriend
Me: (confused) You do? Who? (Trying to think who the heck she could be talking about because everyone I’ve ever dated has either been a die hard Cubs or White Sox fan)
C: A guy you dated in high school.
Me: OK really, who is it? (Still confused)
C: God’s Helper! He started working here and was like ‘I dated your cousin’ I didn’t know you guys dated!”
Me: oh, right. Him. (Pause) OMG he’s not here is he?
C: No, I don’t think so.

I almost ran out of there and into the nearest bar to hide. I haven’t talked to or seen God’s Helper in 13 years, since he told me that he’d lost his virginity to some chick (after he’d told me that he was saving himself for me, because we were supposed to get married). We’d been dating for a while, and at 16/17 this was the best relationship I’d ever been in… we met through a cousin of mine who went to school with him. We’d write each other multiple letters a week (long, elaborate letters), talk everyday after school from the moment we walked in the door until we were called for dinner and then again in the evening until it was time for bed. We’d even “slept together” a couple of times a week… as in we’d stay on the phone so late at night that we’d both fall asleep. It was pretty fucking adorable and my friends were jealous of this amazing boyfriend that I had. Ugh I guess I should explain… God’s Helper lived near St. Louis and I was up near Chicago. We didn’t see each other very often but we were pretty loyal to each other, plus at 16/17 I was naive enough to believe that he loved me and that we’d go to college together and then get married after graduation. I even went so far as to agree to have babies with him so he could have a little baseball team (I don’t want babies). Plus I was really impressed that a guy as attractive and popular as he was could be interested in someone like me, especially impressed that at 18 he’d gone this far without giving into the pressure of sex. He was so enamored that he’d decided we’d end up together and I was the special girl. Well… I was special until he met someone else. On April 1st 2000 my cousin told me that she thought he might be seeing someone on the side, so I asked him, of course! I thought it was a cruel April’s Fool joke and of course because he was a good Christian boy, he didn’t deny it. He apologized profusely and said he still loved me. Loved me so much that he could no longer hurt me and said God had brought him into my life in order to help me. And now that I was in a better place God told him that his job was done. At this point in my life I’d started to question my religious upbringing and thought he was full of shit. If God had really spoken to him and told him to help me, then clearly God would have told him that lying and cheating were sins. That he was actually breaking TWO of God’s holy commandments… so how could God have actually spoken to him! After that I never spoke to him again. Two years later when I was attending the college we were both supposed to go to I contemplated looking him up, but didn’t. In 2007 I heard that he and the girl got married…and this weekend I was told that they recently had a baby. Joy! What’s even better is that I know a couple of people in the organization and now they ALL know that we dated. Awesome!

So while I had an amazing time I was always looking over my shoulder in case he happened to pop up because I did NOT want to run into him.

image(My yearly Cubs/Cadinals game- one of the only Cubs games I go to a year.)

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After Saturday’s game (cardinals win again!) my cousin M and I went to this club on Washington Ave. Earlier that week she set up a signing with Yadier Molina and after all was said and done he invited her to an event that his record label was having for one of their artists. So we’re hanging out listening to music and she spots Yadi, we go over and after talking to security he comes over and says hi. I’ve heard of the guy but I’m not really into baseball so I didn’t really KNOW who he was. Apparently people are afraid of him but dude looked really nice, and he was. M pointed out a couple of the other players that were there, but again… I didn’t know who they were lol. Except one, she made it very clear on the way to the club that I should know one; Jaime Garcia. A young, attractive and single pitcher. She’d mentioned that he wasn’t playing this season because of an injury but that he was a really nice guy and she saw him all the time in the gym. Apparently this was also “set G up with a man” weekend, because the night before C asked if there were any guys at the party that I liked so she’d introduce me, go figure I picked out all of the married guys- oops! So M talk’s this guy up, I wasn’t really into the idea for a couple of reasons but mainly because the guy was a baseball player; I was sure that he wouldn’t be interested in me and had better looking girls throwing themselves at him.

M got all excited when she spotted Jaime sitting with Yadi and said that I should go meet him. Yea, let me just talk my way through security and the mass of women who were also waiting to get up into the VIP section. (no thanks) I will admit, that she was right about one thing- Jaime was pretty damn hot. I’m not generally attracted to Hispanic men, too many negative stigmas associated with them and I really have yet to meet one that hasn’t hurt me. (I know, not ALL men are dogs just like not all Hispanic men are liars, cheaters, dicks, etc) I’ve just generally not been interested and the two hispanic men I HAVE dated were halfixans raised by the “half” side.

Unfortunately for the main artist there weren’t a lot of people in the club, fortunately for ME it gave me a clear view of Jaime. Ha! And because of this any time I glanced his way I saw that he was looking ours. This is what I’m telling myself, so this is what I am choosing to believe! When we’d move, he’d move… so it must be true! Towards the end of the night Yadi sent his manager over to check on us and we ended up back at VIP. So what does M do, she walks up to Jaime, pushes me forward and introduces us! I suddenly got so nervous, not because of who he was but because it’s always awkward when anyone tries to hook me up with someone. We didn’t talk really, it was just an introduction after all, and there was a line of girls trying to get to him. But he came off like a nice guy, he asked if I’d prefer English or Spanish, and responded (in Spanish) that either worked so it was his preference. Before we could continue a drunk girl pushed past me and started talking to him so I took a step back before she pushed me down on the couch. Lol almost immediately Yadi walked over, thanked us for coming and wished us a good night. The lights came on and the party was over… we said goodbye to Jaime and walked out. Ha as soon as we got into the car M thanked me for not acting like a super fan, I mean how could I? I didn’t really know who these guys were or what they did until that night. She said she’d try and put in a good word for me the next time she saw Jaime in the gym or around the organization. Um ok lol. And since he wouldn’t be in town next weekend when I’m there again, we’d just have to go to another game. I think she’s determined to have this guy wife me… good luck M, good luck.

So that was the excitement of this weekend, drank on the Cardinal’s dime and met some baseball players all while trying to avoid seeing and talking about a guy who broke my heart in high school. Fun times. I wonder what excitement NEXT weekend will bring, actually I’m pretty sure what excitement it will bring and I’m not really looking forward to it.

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Saw this little beauty parked next to the stadium. Earlier that morning I heard that VW is stopping production of this model. Whatever they have left in Brazil is all that’s left. (-_-;)

imageMy home away from home… good ol’ St. Louis.  It doesn’t matter that I left when I was 7 years old, I spent half of my youth there and all of my family is there. So, I will always consider it home, and maybe just maybe when I’m older and “more settled” I’ll move there. I said maybe.

Doctors, Diets and Life changes, start tomorrow.

 

Without going into too much detail I’ve been going to the doctor pretty frequently the last three years or so.  I’d finally gotten it down to one doctor’s appointment every six months. The last time I went in (August) my doctor said we could start going back to a regular schedule, so I was really looking forward to not having to be back until the following August!!! I mean, I’d been in there so often that my doctor, nurse practitioner, and receptionist knew just as much about me as one of my friends did.

I figured, since we’re now into our third week of September, that as always “no news, is good news”. Well that wasn’t the case, I received a call yesterday and when she didn’t leave a message I figured it wasn’t good.  And of course, it wasn’t.

The doctor suggests adding a multi-vitamin to my daily routine and doing what I could keep my immune system up. I’ve made some small changes over the last couple of years and health wise I’ve been much better! Enough so that I’ve even lost weight. So there I was after work, thinking about what my doctor said and trying to see what I have to continue doing. I’m hoping that by documenting it, it’ll push me to follow through.

Things I need to do in order to not only keep my health in check, but to also put me in an overall better place.

1. Regular exercise:  I’ve read and have been told that just 20 minutes of a steady rapid heartbeat would be beneficial. I’ve never really been good at maintaining an exercise regime, so this one I KNOW will be difficult.

2. Get more antioxidants in your diet: This is where the multi-vitamin comes in, along with keeping up with the changes I’ve made to my diet.  I think this one will be the easiest because antioxidant rich vegetables/fruits are freaking GOOD! And for the most part, we always keep a good chunk of them in the house.

3. Adequate sleep:  This one will also be difficult considering I have the hardest time sleeping. I’ve always been more of a night person, and what sleep I do get is usually broken up into short segments.

4. Practice relaxation techniques: LESS STRESS!!! Comes right after exercise. I can’t say that life is going all that smoothly lately. But… I’m trying hard not to let too much stress build up.

5. Laugh: When in doubt, just do something fun. Leave your troubles behind you and let loose once in a while.

This is the plan, this is how it’s going to be the next couple of months, and hopefully in doing all of this my next doctor’s visit will come with better news.

This was the plan, of course, until I came home to this;

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A new recipe for stuffed pork chops with homemade stuffing and green beans. Next time, I’ll have to put the pork chops in a brine, the flavor didn’t stick as much as I would have liked, but it was still good. There are always improvements with food! An added bonus, the stuffing tasted like the one my grandma always made, except we were missing the meat. I’ll have to make note of this come Thanksgiving.

So this is me, saying I’m going to continue to take care of myself, or at least take better care of myself. And for you to do the same!

Unspoken truth, unresolved questions

Dear Sir,
I have been going over everything that has happened in the last couple of years and I find myself torn between how I currently feel and how I should feel considering the relationship as a whole.
I have no clue who you are anymore and that scares me, partially because we are so much alike and I’m scared that I will turn out to be just like you. But mostly because you are NOT the person that I’ve know for so long, I have no idea who you are, and I don’t like it. I feel like my entire life has been a lie… you are a lie. Everything that you’ve said to me or shown me has become irrelevant. How can I live my life based on these hypocrisies, rethinking everything that I know, every value I hold dear when it came from someone like you?
I’d like to think, to hope, that you think of me even if the lines of communication have been broken. I’d like to hope that you still care and that I wasn’t some part of an elaborate scheme to ruin your life… even if that’s how you sometimes made it seem.
I cannot fully express the emotions I feel for you, cannot begin to put them into words without blinding rage coming over me. Turning my generally calm demeanor into that of Jekyll and Hyde. I’m not used to such emotions, not used to the way that my mind and body change with every mention of your name. The sickness that overcomes me.
I cannot say for sure where the road will lead us… or that we will every truly heal from this. At least I cannot say that I will fully heal, when such a big part of my life has been shattered. And I feel that “they” are lucky in that they’re able to retain some form of relationship with you, although I’m not sure that would be the case had they lived through what I have had to endure. What I continue to endure.
How damaging you’ve become to me. I never thought it would all come down to this, like this…
I never thought my own father would abandon me. Especially when I was going through an already difficult time, which you would have know had you even cared to ask. The last few years have been so emotionally draining that I struggle just to make it through the day. But you never even noticed…
Let’s not even get into how this experience has changed my view on men and relationships, huge thanks for that mind fuck, by the way.
The things you could or more likely will miss out on….
Sincerely,
Your only and lost daughter

(Not exactly a love letter, but a letter nonetheless)










A letter to my future self.

I had a friend in high school who wrote me a letter once, we used to sit together for lunch when I was probably in my Sophomore or Junior year of high school. It was probably my Jr. year because I’m pretty sure he graduated after this letter. Anyway, he was a good guy, more on the shy and quiet side, which was the complete opposite of the other guy I sat with who was loud and overly flirty. I wasn’t that shy back in those days and I was still pretty open with my friends about things (much like I am in these blogs), so we all got along interestingly well despite our differences. 

One day, towards the end of the year, we’d decided that we were going to write “goodbye” letters to each other. Which I guess in a way may have been weird because they were guys and I was a girl.. but let’s not think too much into that! So, he came up to me and handed this neatly folded letter (because who didn’t fold their notes into cool shapes and stuff?!) and told me to read it when I got home later that day. It even had my name drawn on the front so he really put some thought into this thing… 

You want to know what will happen someday?

Someday you will be sick and tired of being afraid of dating again. After all you don’t know what type of asshole you may have on your hands once you get to know him, but your search for someone has matured on this later day. The guy you’re watching doesn’t put his arm around you, doesn’t poke and tease you (well, maybe a bit), he won’t try to put the moves on you, he’s a bit shy and awkward with words when around you, but most importantly he is interested in what you think and listens to what you say. He’s not a partier and not much of a dancer. He’ll like shopping and enjoys all movies and types of music. Chances are that he will be exactly what you were looking for all along but never knew you wanted it. You’ll have a hard time finding him, mind you, because he’s just as afraid to date as you are. He’ll avoid you because in order to go on dates you’ve got to have “cool” things, and he probably won’t have much to brag about. He’ll mainly be afraid to date because he doesn’t know if you will be a bitch once he really gets to know you. 

The right guy will be as frightened to find you, as you are to find him. Just keeps your eyes and your heart open. I guarantee you’ll have your share of bumps and bruises on your search, but how else will you find out what type of guy you don’t want to date? 

I sometimes wonder about this, I have a general idea of what kind of person I want to date, but what if I’m completely wrong? What if the person I’m meant to find is the complete opposite of me? What if we’ve already met, but I’ve written him off because he doesn’t like dancing or clubs or bars or going out or the occasional trip to the ghetto of IN for a night at the strip club? SO many “what ifs”…. so many questions and not enough answers.

To Friend, or Not to Friend…

I don’t think we make this distinction enough in our dating careers. Can you be friends after a breakup? Sure you can. But it doesn’t have to happen immediately after the breakup and certainly not for every person. Some deserve it more than others, but it’s just not going to happen that same day, week, or month. – It’s Not Being Friends, It’s Being Friendly

This topic came up on a date once… I don’t remember quite what lead to this but my answer was not the answer he was looking for, totally striking out on these dates.

Yes, there is definitely a difference between being Friends with an Ex and being friendly, generally I lean more towards the friendly side of things because I try to keep things on a happy note. I’ve been ‘lucky’ enough that things ended on relatively good terms with the majority of guys I’ve dated so after the appropriate amount of time we did remain friends. That’s not to say that we’re hanging out all of the time but there is an occasional meet up just to catch up or a chat on facebook. As far as I’ve been able to tell they’re not sticking around to get me back. HA! Not that one or two haven’t tried before, I’m pretty sure I’ve even mentioned it before (ahem tweety bird) but those guys generally pop in and then immediately disappear again.

My very first official boyfriend- who I dated back in 8th grade- has a birthdays a few days before mine. Every year I’ll get a brief message from him (and the other way around).  I’m 30 now, so do the math… every year since the 8th grade! I guess that just tells you how awesome I am, that someone would still think of me at least once a year. 😉

It all just depends on the relationship we had and how emotionally invested I was, there are a few guys who I hope I never run into again, but for the most part if I were to see an ex on the street he’d probably get a hug and a smile.

I understand that some people may not be OK with that, and that relationships are about compromise, but it’s hard to say that I’d cut off all communication with someone over these things.  Honestly, I would never ask a significant other to end a relationship, unless it was seriously harmful, or toxic. The way I see it, you have people in your life for a reason, as long as you’re honest about the relationship and respectful it shouldn’t be an issue. This applies to friends as well as exes… if you (or they) can’t respect me, I cannot respect them and in turn cannot respect you. And that would suck for everyone.

 

 

Glass Hearts and Rock Hard Tears.

You just gotta take the leap, and go for it. Live life by the day, forgetting the past. The worst that can happen is a little bit of heartbreak and a lesson learned, which isn’t so terrible after all. Heartache sucks, but you’ll be stronger in the long run. So, get out there, and good luck! – The Unfortunate Status Of Broken Girl

I’d like to think that things are that easy, and maybe they are for some, lucky them if so… but not for me. At least I don’t think so, or maybe it’s that I don’t make it that easy. I try not to bring my baggage along with me, but some scars are too deep to be healed completely.

It’s funny how you think things are okay and then suddenly something random makes you realize that things probably aren’t okay and you should probably figure it out before anything real can really happen again. That’s how I feel, I’ve managed to work through most of my issues with past relationships although I am a bit more guarded (not by much obvi since I was about to give up after Mr. Tinder)… but there’s a struggle brewing. And if I don’t do something about it ASAP I’m afraid I will actually end up alone and eaten by my cats. (I see the way my smushy face looks at me, sizing me up and whatnot!) I’ve actually started writing again, so hopefully that helps, but it all takes time, right?

So here’s to time, and healing the past.

Now… if only I could start working through those daddy issues I have… not ready to confront those just yet, not even really ready to talk about it. Although I’ve thought about it. But, how personal IS personal when you write a blog.. and how much am I really willing to admit.