Do you know what I hate about romantic comedies? Or any movie with a romantic situation happening in it really. About halfway into the movie one party tells the other to go date someone else, and then they go into this sometimes elaborate explanation about why they either don’t belong together, don’t really like them “that” way or why it won’t work out. Only to find out later that it was the biggest mistake they could have made and then they either correct their mistake and live happily ever after or they live with the regret for the rest of their lives.
I hate this part of the movie because I’ve done that, and since this is real life and not a movie I’m not sure if it’s fixable or if I just have to live with it. Old wounds were reopened recently, and it’s my fault really, for entertaining the conversation, but it happened.
I dated a guy off and on who one day came to me (during an “on” period) with news that he’d caught his wife cheating (the irony), and what did I do? I guess I should preface this by saying he wasn’t always married when we dated, in fact, I’d met him first. But in the end, after 7 or 8 years of going back and forth between “I love you”s and “we can’t keep doing this” I chose that moment, not to see it as a real opportunity to be with the man that I loved and to right all the wrongs we’d committed, but to tell him to go home and fix his broken marriage to the woman he shouldn’t have married to begin with (his words, not mine). I chose that moment to convince him that he didn’t really love me, that what he felt for me wasn’t real and that I didn’t love him back. And at the end of the night, he went home to deal with his terrible marriage and I stayed in my terrible relationship.
Fast forward to the middle of this past June and I get a message from him.
I have always loved you, and I will always love you. I wanted to be with you and I made a mistake years ago. I thought it was mutual and you made me feel like it was all in my head. I’m not really sure where I’m trying to go with this but I’m just saying that day hurt. I still think about you a lot and I don’t ever see that changing… Looking back I feel like you pushed me away for that reason and I WISH I’d seen it.
My relationship was never going to get better. I made a wrong choice and had to live with it. It was never that you caused the problem, it was me and I wanted to change that. You had just had enough and you pushed me away the only way that you could.
The worst part… “it’s always been you and I’m sorry for not knowing, seeing, realizing, admitting or owning that before.”
So, I’ve complained before that my life isn’t like the movies and apparently I’m wrong. Not only is it exactly like a movie sometimes, but it’s the scene I hate the most.
We spent a decent amount of time talking that week, about life and feelings and general catching up. And now, because of that I find myself (stupidly) right back in the situation I removed myself from all those years ago. Because as much as I told myself to move on and find love elsewhere, tried to live a life that was more morally sound and tried to make up for my past indiscretions…. And I did! I really did! It turns out I never got over him and I love him just as deeply and I probably always will. Fuck. What is wrong with me?
I realize it is unlikely that anything’s changed, if anything the situation is much worse because we don’t even live in the same state and while he realizes what’s right and what’s wrong he’s not sure what he wants to do. I just told him to do what’s best for him, his happiness, his sanity and for his family. Don’t add me into the equation, that’ll just be too messy.
But he needs to find happiness, because in the end, if he continues down the road he’s on… His daughter will end up like me. And no-one should be that broken if it’s avoidable.