Sometimes life is too cruel.

Do you know what I hate about romantic comedies? Or any movie with a romantic situation happening in it really. About halfway into the movie one party tells the other to go date someone else, and then they go into this sometimes elaborate explanation about why they either don’t belong together, don’t really like them “that” way or why it won’t work out. Only to find out later that it was the biggest mistake they could have made and then they either correct their mistake and live happily ever after or they live with the regret for the rest of their lives.

I hate this part of the movie because I’ve done that, and since this is real life and not a movie I’m not sure if it’s fixable or if I just have to live with it. Old wounds were reopened recently, and it’s my fault really, for entertaining the conversation, but it happened.

I dated a guy off and on who one day came to me (during an “on” period) with news that he’d caught his wife cheating (the irony), and what did I do? I guess I should preface this by saying he wasn’t always married when we dated, in fact, I’d met him first. But in the end, after 7 or 8 years of going back and forth between “I love you”s and “we can’t keep doing this” I chose that moment, not to see it as a real opportunity to be with the man that I loved and to right all the wrongs we’d committed, but to tell him to go home and fix his broken marriage to the woman he shouldn’t have married to begin with (his words, not mine). I chose that moment to convince him that he didn’t really love me, that what he felt for me wasn’t real and that I didn’t love him back. And at the end of the night, he went home to deal with his terrible marriage and I stayed in my terrible relationship.

Fast forward to the middle of this past June and I get a message from him.

I have always loved you, and I will always love you. I wanted to be with you and I made a mistake years ago. I thought it was mutual and you made me feel like it was all in my head. I’m not really sure where I’m trying to go with this but I’m just saying that day hurt. I still think about you a lot and I don’t ever see that changing… Looking back I feel like you pushed me away for that reason and I WISH I’d seen it.

My relationship was never going to get better. I made a wrong choice and had to live with it. It was never that you caused the problem, it was me and I wanted to change that. You had just had enough and you pushed me away the only way that you could.

The worst part… “it’s always been you and I’m sorry for not knowing, seeing, realizing, admitting or owning that before.”

So, I’ve complained before that my life isn’t like the movies and apparently I’m wrong. Not only is it exactly like a movie sometimes, but it’s the scene I hate the most.

We spent a decent amount of time talking that week, about life and feelings and general catching up. And now, because of that I find myself (stupidly) right back in the situation I removed myself from all those years ago. Because as much as I told myself to move on and find love elsewhere, tried to live a life that was more morally sound and tried to make up for my past indiscretions…. And I did! I really did! It turns out I never got over him and I love him just as deeply and I probably always will. Fuck. What is wrong with me?

I realize it is unlikely that anything’s changed, if anything the situation is much worse because we don’t even live in the same state and while he realizes what’s right and what’s wrong he’s not sure what he wants to do. I just told him to do what’s best for him, his happiness, his sanity and for his family. Don’t add me into the equation, that’ll just be too messy.

But he needs to find happiness, because in the end, if he continues down the road he’s on… His daughter will end up like me. And no-one should be that broken if it’s avoidable.

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Getting Back On The Saddle

After a really long hiatus, I’ve decided to take an active role in my dating life. As I’ve gotten older I find the idea of dating apps to be pretty daunting, but with all of the changes that I’ve made in the last year going out and actually socializing with people has been difficult.

Since I’ve relocated, again, I find my social circle to be pretty limited. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, but any time we get together it’s always the same people. So my opportunities to meet NEW people have been pretty limited. So obviously I jumped back into the dating apps, I updated all of my information so that it was current and picking people from the correct area. Because for a while POF was still matching me with people in Chicago.

And then I met someone, we talked for a bit through the site, and then exchanged numbers. I took that as a good sign because I don’t just hand my number out to anyone, but I had a good feeling about this guy. He was funny, independent, ambitious, kind and we appeared to have quite a bit in common. So we set up a date to meet, it didn’t happen though because there was a series of events that caused us to reschedule three times.

After each time though, he always seemed really apologetic, I get it shit happens and sometimes things can’t be avoided but I thought I’d give him the benefit of the doubt here.

Then this past weekend, I was at a baseball game on Saturday hanging out with my cousin and her friends. Texting sporadically with this guy talking about how excited we both were about finally meeting (on Sunday).  We were still figuring out what we were going to do when my Cousin offered me two tickets to Sunday’s game. Knowing that this guy was a huge Cardinals fan I thought perfect! So we made plans to meet at the ballpark just before the game. He showered me with flattery and told me he appreciated the thought and that he couldn’t wait.

Sunday morning comes around and I get a text saying it’s supposed to rain, but he was still down to go to the game if I was. So of course, I said yes, worst case scenario we could go to Ballpark village or something to get out of the rain if it got worse. I went about my business, got ready to go and headed out to the ballpark a bit after 12:30PM. Parked the car and then text him while I was walking to our meeting spot.

I sat in front of Gate 2 for about 30 minutes or so, debated whether or not to take out my umbrella because it was starting to drizzle but opted to just wait it out since it wasn’t too bad.

And I never heard from him again…

Even when you think someone’s a decent person they can prove you very wrong, and I think that’s what annoys me the most about online dating. I had hoped that people in this age range would be past ghosting or games, but I guess not.

I may as well get another cat

I’m beginning to think that I won’t be dating anyone, anytime soon. And that’s really starting to upset me. But this isn’t at the top of my “wtf” list. As mentioned in the last post I moved!!!

In the last couple of months I quit a comfortable job, moved into the city, started working at a startup and then “lost” my job. Fun times. So I’m currently working part time as a hostess at a restaurant in a near by suburb and scrambling to update my resume and get a new job. The way I figure, I have enough money to get me through this month and through most of next month. If you need me I’ll be rummaging through the boxes (because yes I still have many boxes) trying to find anything worth of value that I can pawn. (jkjk)

Since I’ve moved into the city that also means that my mother moved out of state, she never considered herself much of a city girl so she quickly declined my invitation to stay with me for a bit. That being said this past Mother’s day was a bit rough.

From Hot to Not

Well it seems that the Gentleman isn’t such a gentleman…

Maybe that isn’t the case, but it appears that whatever feelings he had aren’t there anymore because I haven’t heard from him. I was talking to a (guy) friend about this over the weekend. We’d been talking for almost 3 months… which is practically a relationship. I’m not really sure what happened with the Gentleman, prior to the last two weeks everything was hot. We communicated every day, saw each other pretty regularly and everything was non-stop. Then one week he was busy with work, a weekend came and we didn’t make plans (although still kept in touch) and then the next week came and I didn’t hear from him. Well I shouldn’t say I didn’t hear from him because I did, exactly three times. Two of which were in response to when I reached out to him. It’s funny, I think anyway. I got a text from him late Saturday night, reached out to him Wed (with little response) to find out he was sick and then again on Friday (to find out he was feeling better) and then nothing….

I reached out once after that and figured since I didn’t get a response it was safe to assume I wouldn’t be hearing from him again. It’s kind of disappointing, to say the least, considering before him I hadn’t really gone past an initial meeting with anyone. I told you, this dating thing is hard for me. I generally put in a lot of myself into a relationship and I’m not really sure that I have the heart to do it over and over again. My SIL keeps telling me to just go with it and have fun, date around. Meet people, go out, have fun! But in reality I have a hard time doing that because when I start to like someone I focus on that one person. Which kind of kills the whole “have fun and date around” thing. I find it difficult to share my attention now a days, when I was younger I could do it with no problem. I wasn’t always the most morally sound person, ya know? Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy receiving attention (ie: the Salesman or even the English kid) but ultimately my heart was with the Gentleman.

It’s annoying to think that things were going well between us and suddenly it’s over. And not know why. I wouldn’t be so concerned if he’d just come out and said “hey it’s not working” or something… but to not hear from him at all. Annoying. I fucking hate the fade out, I really do. I think it’s rude and inconsiderate. Plus, it doesn’t let me know what I did wrong (if anything) or give me the chance to fix it or make it (ME) better.

But… it is what it is, right?! Nothing left to do but move on with myself and keep going.

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I Think Hell Froze Over

I Gave My Number to a Stranger

A few weeks ago I was out with coworkers for a birthday. Three of us decided to keep the party going so we ended up in Wicker Park. Now if you’ve been following along you’ll know that I’m generally very shy when it comes to guys so the fact that this happened is kind of a big deal for me. I’d never been out with these two girls (aside from the occasional after work drink) and maybe that helped. Our first stop was Flat Iron, which was pretty nice, I like how they’ve changed it since it was the Blue Note. It seems bigger. Had a few drinks there and then decided to change locations. When we stepped outside we’d paused a moment so that my friend could light a cigarette and while doing so ran into two guys. I have a bit of a soft spot for a cute guy with an accent, specifically an English accent. Started talking to these guys and decided we were all going to go to the next bar together. The guy was kind of sweet, a bit young but still cute. they were in town for the weekend. One of them worked in NYC and the other was visiting. Had a few drinks and a few laughs before the night ended.

Standing in Line for the Bathroom

As the lights came on and the bar was calling last call I ran to the bathroom one last time. While I was waiting I caught this guys eye. Normally I’d look down or look away but I didn’t do that this time.  Instead I shot him a smile and he came over. Our introduction wasn’t long as the girl ahead of me walked out and it was now my turn to go in.

As I came out the guy was standing by the bar with his friends, he stopped me as came closer and asked for my number. I was kind of in a rush (bc I didn’t want to lose my friends or the cute English guy either) and gave the guy my number. “I’ll text you right now so that you have it, and won’t forget.” And sure enough as I walked away he text me. I’m not even sure what I was thinking at the time, because it’s all a bit foggy at this point. But the guy from the bar  (We’ll call him the Salesman) and I text back and forth for a while after that. He actually asked me to come over, but at 5 in the morning there isn’t much to do with someone you just met that doesn’t involve getting naked. So I politely declined and he said he’d text me later in the week.

And Then it Began…

I was actually surprised when the Salesman contacted me the following week and a bit confused. Like I said, things were a little foggy so I couldn’t really remember what he looked like. Although, by the name in my phone the Salesman was “hot”. I went a few days hoping that I hadn’t lied to myself about that, until he sent me a photo. Nope! I hadn’t lied, the Salesman was indeed hot and tall. 🙂 We went a couple of weeks talking just by text, with a few phone calls in between. Although the phone calls weren’t very long but more of a “just wanted to say hi before I went to bed” kind of thing. He’s a nice guy, although a bit of a partier. But he appears to be well off, definitely a bonus, and…. he’s my age. (shocker).

Catch up to last week, we met up on Wednesday for a drink (re: this article again) homeboy is just as good-looking in real life as he is in pictures, if not better. Although in talking to him in person I got a feeling that we’d be better off as friends than anything else…. and not just because he’s constantly “ON”, going out or planning on leaving the city in a year. Okay, well maybe partially because of all that.

The Kicker

There were two things that he’s said to me in the few weeks we’ve known each other that kind of threw me off… 1) he was willing to put in time until I was comfortable with him and 2) He wasn’t necessarily Boyfriend material but he’s willing to give it a try. The first night we met I told him I wasn’t looking for a booty call (although in all honesty if I do keep in touch with him that’s what he’ll end up being, I’m sure), and he said we’d just see how things go. He wasn’t looking for anything serious, but more of a casual relationship. Like many guys I’ve encountered he wanted to meet someone cool that he could hang out with and talk to, but not be overly committed to. He made a few comments about how he didn’t want to settle (down).

And interestingly, we talked about various ways that I should be approaching guys at the bar. Because I am an attractive woman, and shouldn’t be scared to do so. (Thanks Dr. Salesman)

This one’s been interesting… and I feel that it will continue to be interesting.

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The Mating Game

I’ve been sitting on this post for a while now… for some reason it’s been a challenge getting it put together and posted.

I know that I tend to write mostly about things going on in my dating life but really, at this point in my life, that’s the most interesting thing I have going on… I’m blaming the SLCS for this.

Anyway, before the last year or so I didn’t really put much effort into dating. I’d been dumped by a non-boyfriend and was pretty devastated over it. I pretty much spent 3 years of my life with someone only to be told “Sorry, I really like you but I found someone better” [Awesome] I can’t really talk shit about it because I knew what I was getting into, I was just blinded by the possibility that he might change his mind. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anyone to change more than I wanted him to change… I worry about him some times. But that is another story in itself.

I hung out with guys in the time since that ‘breakup’ but I didn’t really get close with anyone, mainly because I didn’t want to and because most of the guys were douchebags. I was trying to get over the douchebag phase. So here I am, almost one year (or is it two?) into actually paying attention to my love life and OMG Wtf guys WHY is dating so difficult as an adult? Was there some memo that went around that I missed about how I probably should have settled down at a younger age like almost everyone else I know because if not I’d end up old and alone? My mom has given up on me finding a “good man” so that I can settle down, now she’s just telling me to bring a baby home.”You don’t have to get married or have a boyfriend. AND You don’t even have to take care of the baby, I will… as if it were your little brother or sister.” [Yes, I’m serious.]

No, that’s not happening. I’m almost 100% sure that I don’t want kids, although she does have one point right… If I did have kids I would just bring them home (adoption ftw)!!

But I’m getting off track here. Dating is hard. Why did it get so hard and how the hell am I supposed to know who-what-where I’m going to find the one person for me?! I started paying attention to my online profiles, although there seem to be slim pickings there as I’m not interested in the guys who like me and visa versa. I’m beginning to think that maybe I should lower my standards a bit. But, the thing with that is that I don’t have anything ridiculous that would disqualify a man. If anything I’ve had to up my standards so that I can weed out the riff-raff (over the douchebags remember?)

Well I guess I can’t say it’s completely hard, I have been seeing a bit more of one guy but even so, I’m not sure WTF I’m doing or if I’m even doing it right. I’m so used to being a certain way with people because I know them, 97% of my past relationships were with people I had already known. I knew them inside and out and there was no questioning whether or not they thought I was crazy, clingy or just weird. But what I’m doing now, it’s completely different and I find myself wondering if I’m coming of crazy, clingy or just weird.

I read this article from the Thought Catalog that pretty much, well it didn’t really help ease my current aversion to relationship building but at least it let me know that I wasn’t the only one out there thinking “wtf”. As I’ve gone through various profiles and talked to guys it always comes down to one thing; looking for casual fun/relationship, nothing serious. What is that? So you’re looking for all of the perks of a girlfriend but not the title? Is it easier to just pick up and leave, if there’s no commitment, well yea of course. But what’s the point? Why not just advertise it as looking for a friend with high chance of getting it in at the end of the night!? At least then you’re honest about what you’re looking for, right? The whole “casual” thing is BS, I think anyway. Any guy I’ve spoken to who is looking for something more casual will speak to me and treat me like a girlfriend. I don’t want that, mainly because then I end up falling in love with you and you end up leaving me because I’m taking you at what you say, not what you’re doing. Sure, be nice to me but don’t be overly emotional when all you’re looking for is a booty call. What’s the point?! If I wanted something casual I’d go out to a bar and pick a random dude and get my jollies off. I’d be all over Tinder. But I’m not looking for something casual, I’m looking for something significant.

think I have that with the Gentleman from my Maybe It’s Me post… but I’m weary of it because of previous comments he’s made. (re: I may be clingy, crazy or weird) Wait, that’s worded weird, HE didn’t make comments about me being clingy, crazy or weird, but rather he made comments about the last girl he dated. Who oddly sounded like me in some respect, and I’m making a conscious effort to not BE that way. I think I actually like this guy so I’m trying not to mess it up. Which brings me to another question… when is it appropriate to have the whole “where is this going” conversation?!

In the end…. 

The Unwilted and Pure, or not.

I’ve officially made it past a first date, it’s been a while since that’s happened. Things have been going smoothly, we talk daily and I’m still amused.

However, there was an issue that was brought up the other day that had me thinking.  This guy’s a bit of a jokster – of course because I wouldn’t settle for anything less – so during one of our daily chats he decided it would be a good time to confess something.

“G, there’s one thing you should know about me that i failed to mention.”  (what’s that?)

(really?)
“yes, I am” (okay)
“Does that matter?”

Does it matter…. I didn’t respond as I was kind of baffled by the idea that someone I knew might actually be a virgin. Well, I shouldn’t say that because I do know someone who’s currently a virgin but she doesn’t make it a big ‘thing’ like some might. I knew that the next things out of my mouth had to be thought out… because my initial reaction was to ask “Why?” I liked this guy – or like rather because we’re still talking – so I didn’t want to offend him. Up until this point I’ve done a good job of not offending him, which is a feat in itself.

Immediately I did what any girl would do… I went to a friend. I figured if I got all of the things that I wanted to say out-of-the-way then I could approach my conversation with him in a positive manner.

But before I could respond to his last question he followed up with “I’m just kidding.” I’m sorry, what? I literally went on a rant about whether or not I’d actually be able to be with someone who was a virgin and you come out with “I’m kidding”. Just when I was going to commend him on being a male in his late twenties and still a virgin… nice.

The whole rest of the day I kind of felt like an asshole because for a brief moment I thought there was no way that I’d be able to have a romantic relationship with someone who wasn’t as ‘experienced’ as I was, right – I sound like an asshole. But in reality, I think it’s a great thing that there are people who  maintain their chastity. There’s nothing wrong with that… even if for a brief moment I thought I wouldn’t be able to do it. You know why? Because if you care about someone enough, you’d stick by them… right?!