You Can’t Ignore the Darker Days

Sometimes I do something foolish… sometimes I don’t take medicine that’s prescribed to me for depression. It’s foolish because after a day or two I feel absolutely miserable. I’ll feel fine the days that I don’t take it but suddenly it’ll it me and I’m reminded why I take it in the first place.

Yesterday I woke up feeling completely defeated. I literally had to talk myself out of bed, although the bright side to this is that I woke up earlier than normal so I made it to work early… but right, anyway. The entire day I went from “omfg you piss me off” to “wtf 2 chains is playing and I want to cry my eyes out”. It’s frustrating. And I know that it’s my fault.

I’ve been this way for a while, although before it wasn’t as bad. It actually didn’t get bad until after my grandparents passed away…. and I lost my dad at the same time. [Well, I shouldn’t say it like that, he’s not dead or anything, he’s just…. not around.] It’s like everything that could go wrong, did, and I didn’t handle it very well. I’ve always had darker days, but at that point it was just miserable. That was almost 2 years ago, and I still find myself feeling so desolate. I know that I’m not doing everything that I can in order to get better, but what I should be doing requires time and time isn’t something that I have a lot of these days. It’s on my to do list. Until then I try to occupy what little time I do have doing things that give me purpose and keep me up beat. So far it’s working, I just have to remember to follow the routine that I’ve made up for myself…

Because I’d actually like to not have to take anything and still feel that everything is going to be okay.

So yesterday was pretty bad, I actually found myself crying at random moments throughout the day. I guess you can say that anyway, I haven’t actually been able to cry in a while, but the past few days whatever emotions I’ve been holding back have come streaming out. Usually for no reason at all. It just feels like something bad is going to happen and all I wanted to do was crawl into bed. There’s this heavy feeling lurking around and I’m anxious to see what it is, waiting for “it” to happen, whatever “it” is. It’s bothersome and annoying.

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