Going for the gold, eventually

Prompt: Your proudest accomplishment

I know that I should have a list of accomplishments, considering my age and how long I’ve been around, but I don’t. I don’t generally keep tabs on what I’ve done or what I’ve accomplished and I’m starting to think that maybe I should. I struggle with these kinds of questions because I don’t LIKE talking about myself (weird, right?). Despite what some people might think (and I have yet to figure out why), I make an awful sales person. That being said I’d also make a bad hooker, because I would NOT be able to sell myself. Sad right? Maybe, maybe not I mean hookin’ ain’t easy!

I guess one thing that I’ve been able to accomplish is that I’ve been single for the longest ever.. in my entire life. No lie, in 30 years (16 of which I’ve actually been dating) before this I’ve not been single for more than a few weeks. And a couple of weeks ago when asked (on one of the dating sites that I’m on, because you know you have to cast a wide line, is that the saying!?) I figured out that I’ve been single for seven years. SEVEN!! Although that’s still up for debate because some people consider the official number to be 4 years as found myself in a quasi relationship for 3 years. I say quasi relationship because there was no title (his idea), but there was an understanding that we were exclusive (until something better came along). Official or not, when you spend that much time with one person feelings are bound to happen. Unfortunately for me I was the one emotionally invested in the relationship, not him. I think of any break up I’ve been through (where I was the dumpee) this one was the worst.

Things between us weren’t exactly the same but I just figured he was busy with work, I admit that I’ve been pretty dumb when it comes to guys but I think I was the most dumb/blind/whatever with him. We still talked every day, we just didn’t see each other as much (which was almost every weekend). And one night I was online checking my email etc and I noticed his relationship status changed on Facebook. Yes, FACEBOOK. I saw that people started commenting on it and almost commented on it myself, but I didn’t. I just stared at the screen and felt every part of me sink into a hole. The whole next day I felt uneasy and sick to my stomach and he didn’t even take the time to tell me out right until the next day. Talk about complete heartbreak, I broke down like a fucking baby… I couldn’t understand what was happening or why. We’d spent a lot of time together and he went so far as to say that I became an important person in his life, one of his best friends.

I think I made crying a religion. Thinking back, it’s kind of funny that despite knowing the obvious I was able to completely fool myself into thinking that he cared for me on the same level that I cared for him.

After the “mourning” period ended I thought it was probably a good idea to give dating a break. Or at the very least not to jump into a relationship, and I didn’t! I’d go out with a guy here or there, have brief flirtatious interactions but I distanced myself emotionally (or at least tried to). I admit, for me it’s been a struggle… but now that I think about it, it’s all been worth it. I struggled with that last relationship, I struggled for a long time but eventually I got over it. I wouldn’t say that it was a mistake or that it was a waste of time because I learned a lot about myself and how I want (and LET) people treat me. I’m more honest with myself, more open to the idea that yea… sometimes people are douchebags and will treat you like you’re nothing. But, it’s never been a mistake, none of my relationships have been mistakes.

Maybe it isn’t the accomplishment that I should really recognize, but it’s something and it’s something that means a lot to me.

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