Rather than try to catch up to the Blog Challenge I supposedly wanted to finish I’m just going to keep going. I’ve missed a couple of days, mostly because I’ve been busy and still working from my cell phone. I should write myself a note to buy what I need in order to fix my laptop, because it really does suck doing everything on a mobile device, no matter how fancy it is.
I will admit that this one is a bit challenging, mostly because I’m not a planner and I am often so wishy washy about what I want. Younger me had it mostly planned out, but as the years have gone by I’ve always thought “I can think about it tomorrow”. Until one day it hit me that I don’t really have that luxury anymore and that I should probably figure something out! Especially considering my current living situation. Somehow the idea that at any moment I could be homeless and left to fend for myself completely… is scary.
With that being said I’m trying to break down what I want out of life, more specifically what I want out of the next year or two. Planning any further than that is kind of scary in itself. So within the next year I would like to find some stability. I figure that’s a start… but one that seems so hard to start!
Things required to do this… a job that pays me enough to support (at least) myself, a stronger circle of supportive people, and maybe a little love.
I’m still dealing with the aftermath of being cut out of my father’s life, and it isn’t easy. Somehow the responsibility of more than one life has fallen on my shoulders and it’s beginning to take it’s toll. I think if things don’t pick up in the next few weeks, work wise, I will be picking up a second job. Do what you gotta do, right?! Even if it means eating up the remainder of my weekdays and most of my weekends, lack of sleep and me turning into a moody little B*. What ever it takes to push me forward and closer to that amazing stability I want. I’m on a mission to find a job that not only interests me but challenges me to become better and pays well. All the while I will be pushing myself to learn the in’s & out’s of Salesforce, with the help of my brother of course. He has no doubt that I can pick it up and have my career take off. I have been getting a lot of emails about jobs in the area, and there don’t seem to be that many people around to fill them so who knows, maybe this will be my step to grand success. There’s nothing wrong with being a little nerdy sometimes, and most wouldn’t even expect it of me.
I’ve never lacked a crowd of acquaintances, but I can count the number of actual friends on one hand, and it isn’t even a full hand. I want to change this, I want to push myself to actually open up to people and follow through with commitments, something that I seem to struggle with, and work on the reasons why. I always have this sense that people don’t really want me around, there is always someone more important than me that my friend would rather hang out with. I know that it is not a healthy way to see things, so I’m working on it. I often need to remind myself that I am a good person (flawed, but good) and that people DO like me. I just have to make an effort to build the relationships that I already have with some people. I think it gets harder as you get older, everyone gets wrapped up in their own lives. I understand this, I AM this, but I have to remind myself that there are others out there and I should probably interact with them. I also need to find more things to do, considering I live so close to a pretty big city, there shouldn’t be any reason to be bored and stuck at home. Pick 3 people and build a close bond, hang out (in person), dig into their personal lives. Even 3 seems like a lot, but that’s 3 more than I already have so it should be doable.
Honestly aside from casual dating I don’t know that I could handle an actual relationship, emotionally. I still feel too broken to give myself up like that, there are still things that I would like to work on but of course, you can’t wait forever. Sometimes, it just happens and you have to deal with it all right then, so we’ll see how things work out. I also feel that I’m at an age where everyone and their mother wants me to meet someone. Just this past weekend I had one cousin tell me she wanted to introduce me to TWO guys, neither of which really fit my idea of an ideal man. On top of that, apparently my brother has someone really great that he wants to meet, however dude is currently in a relationship. But my brother seems to think that they won’t last very long so he’ll keep me updated. (thanks… I definitely want that) So for now, I think my goal within the next year or to is to just GET OUT THERE. Stop using these dating websites to play “hot or not” and actually TALK to some of these people. Not too long ago a friend asked me what I was doing on these websites and I simply replied “collecting potential dates” because that’s what I’m doing. I’m not contacting them and they aren’t contacting me, but it’s good to know that they at least find me attractive and/or interesting. Right?
And there you have it, more rambling, but hopefully more action.