I never want to forget

As I was packing for a weekend trip I stood in my closet and my hand landed on the dress that I wore for my grandma’s funeral. I paused for a moment and I could see her in my mind. I could see her as I’ve always known her and then I could see her the last time I said goodbye. It was a good day, my reason for being there wasn’t, but we did what we could to keep going. That day didn’t end the way that we thought it would.
I can remember it all, even with my awful memory, I can remember moments with her as if they’d just happened.
I stood in my closet and looked through the selection of dresses. I looked and I looked and I couldn’t find the dress that I wore a month later for my grandpa’s funeral. I know what nail polish I had on that day – a shimmery baby blue and last minute I decided to draw musical notes because he was a musician. I could remember the shoes because they were my favorite pair of heels… and yet I couldn’t remember the dress. I couldn’t remember the dress and I had a moment of panic. I’m not ready to forget, not ready to let go of someone so important. And while I’ve been unable to cry for many months I felt the tears welling up.
I know that it’s a small detail, that I can at least still see him as I knew him from my youth, I can see him as I knew him as an adult and yet I can’t remember what dress I wore to his funeral. I can’t remember and that makes me panic.

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One thought on “I never want to forget

  1. Pingback: Saying Goodbye | T. L. Ryder

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