Hello blog, remember me?
I’m going to start by saying: I am not a kid person, I think Iāve mentioned this before, I just donāt know how to handle them and get frustrated with the fact that they canāt talk. Once they know how to talk and poop on their own then weāre OK, but until then please keep your distance.
That being said, Iāve never had the desire toĀ haveĀ my own children, despite constant pleas to ābring home babiesā so that my mom can have grand kids. She has grand kidsā¦ five to be exact, two by blood and three by marriageā¦ except theyāre on the west coast. So I guess to her that doesnāt really count. Iāve thought about adoption, figured that would be the safest way to go about it ā if I ever found someone to co-parent ā Iād obviously get the kid at the age where s/he can talk and poop on their own.
I donāt know if Iāll ever get to adopt though, itās expensive and while IĀ couldĀ do it on my own (I suppose) itād be better if I were in a stable/loving relationship, and who knows when the hell thatās going to happen. So I realized that the thing that saddens me most about my lack of wanting kids is that I wonāt have anyone to pass things on to.
The idea of having heirlooms amazes me, and Iāve seen friends ā coworkers ā strangers whoāve had things handed down to them from their mother etc. But then again, I donāt really have any real possessions that anyone would want, but thatās neither here nor there. The thing that gets me the most is that there wonāt be any mother/daughter bonding moments in the kitchen, around the holidays, or even just on a Friday night. So what the heck am I collecting all of these recipes for? Everything Iāve taught myself or learned along the way to adulthood, who have I been learning all of that for if I have no one to share it with?
Iām moving soon, and Iām kind of excited to finally be in my own home. Even more so, Iām excited to go through the boxes that my aunt gave me when she was cleaning out my Grandmaās kitchen. I was touched when we showed up that day and she told me I could have whatever else I wanted out of the kitchen. Iām not entirely sure whatās in the boxes other than some glasses, and plates that I loved. I also have some household items that belonged to my Grandma.I supposed I could pass all of these things on to my nieces, but itās hard when they live so far away. Iād like to give them more than just money when I die, and hope that maybe theyāll pass my things on to their children. That will probably have to do.
IN OTHER newsā¦
I have a sister (maybe, Iām not sure when sheās supposed to be born except for itās going to happen this month). Iām 31 and I have a baby sister. When I was in high school I had a friend who ended up having a baby brother. I thought it was weird, her being 18 and all, thatās such a huge age gab. If only Iād foresee my own future, I wouldnāt have made comments (to myself or otherwise). I donāt know if Iāll ever meet this sister since I donāt have a relationship with my father. Sometimes I think it will be nice, to be able to get to know her and see her grow up. Iāve always wanted a sister, I wasnāt too happy when my parents came home with a baby boy. (ha ā I love him now though, so weāre OK) If not, I have these thoughts ā hopes ā whatever that sheāll come find me one day. Iāll be going on 50 by the time sheās reached the legal age to make her own decisions. And thatās even if sheāll KNOW that I exist. Or maybe Iāll go find her, Iām not sure. I just hope she is a better person than the ones who raised her, and deep down hope that sheās just like me (or āworseā). History does tend to repeat itself! I mean my dad basically re-enacted his fatherās life (who he despised btw).Ā Ā I still donāt understand it, any of it.
Both of my brothers have told me that I should talk to him; the older is a bit more supportive of the idea that itās not going to happen any time soon. I have much to get through myself before I even start to get into that whole side of things. Itās on my To-do List, although I think Iāve been saying that for a while, but for serious this time. Once I move and am more settled Iām going to therapy!Ā Ā That aspect of my life has been okay, although lately Iāve found myself withdrawing more. It doesnāt help that I have two jobs, (three if you count the DU Blog) and little time to do anything else except eat and sleep. But I try to make time to go out and be around people, so Iām trying.
I kind of envy my brothers, and the fact that theyāre able to maintain some semblance of a relationship with my father. Theyāre lucky that they werenāt around to see the demise of our relationship, they didnāt have to deal with things the way that I did. I envy them for that as well, it all took its toll, and Iām still picking up the pieces.
But Iāll get thereā¦ one day.
