Sometimes life is too cruel.

Do you know what I hate about romantic comedies? Or any movie with a romantic situation happening in it really. About half way into the movie one party tells the other to go date someone else, and then they go into this sometimes elaborate explanation about why they either don’t belong together, don’t really like them “that” way or why it won’t work out. Only to find out later that it was the biggest mistake they could have made and then they either correct their mistake and live happily ever after or they live with the regret for the rest of their lives.

I hate this part of the movie because I’ve done that, and since this is real life and not a movie I’m not sure if it’s fixable or if I just have to live with it. Old wounds were reopened recently, and it’s my fault really, for entertaining the conversation, but it happened.

I dated a guy off and on who one day came to me (during an “on” period) with news that he’d caught his wife cheating (the irony), and what did I do? I guess I should preface this by saying he wasn’t always married when we dated, in fact I’d met him first. But in the end, after 7 or 8 years of going back and forth between “I love you”s and “we can’t keep doing this” I chose that moment, not to see it as a real opportunity to be with the man that I loved and to right all the wrongs we’d committed, but to tell him to go home and fix his broken marriage to the woman he shouldn’t have married to begin with (his words, not mine). I chose that moment to convince him that he didn’t really love me, that what he felt for me wasn’t real and that I didn’t love him back. And at the end of the night he went home to deal with his terrible marriage and I stayed in my terrible relationship.

Fast forward to the middle of this past June and I get a message from him.

I have always loved you, and I will always love you. I wanted to be with you and I made a mistake years ago. I thought it was mutual and you made me feel like it was all in my head. I’m not really sure where I’m trying to go with this but I’m just saying that day hurt. I still think about you a lot and I don’t ever see that changing… Looking back I feel like you pushed me away for that reason and I WISH I’d seen it.

My relationship was never going to get better. I made a wrong choice and had to live with it. It was never that you caused the problem, it was me and I wanted to change that. You had just had enough and you pushed me away the only way that you could.

The worst part… “it’s always been you and I’m sorry for not knowing, seeing, realizing, admitting or owning that before.”

So, I’ve complained before that my life isn’t like the movies and apparently I’m wrong. Not only is it exactly like a movie sometimes, but it’s the scene I hate the most.

We spent a decent amount of time talking that week, about life and feelings and general catching up. And now, because of that I find myself (stupidly) right back in the situation I removed myself from all those years ago. Because as much as I told myself to move on and find love elsewhere, tried to live a life that was more morally sound and tried to make up for my past indiscretions…. And I did! I really did! It turns out I never got over him and I love him just as deeply and I probably always will. Fuck. What is wrong with me?

I realize it is unlikely that anything’s changed, if anything the situation is much worse because we don’t even live in the same state and while he realizes what’s right and what’s wrong he’s not sure what he wants to do. I just told him to do what’s best for him, his happiness, his sanity and for his family. Don’t add me into the equation, that’ll just be too messy.

But he needs to find happiness, because in the end, if he continues down the road he’s on… His daughter will end up like me. And no-one should be that broken if it’s avoidable.


Getting Back On The Saddle

After a really long hiatus, I’ve decided to take an active role in my dating life. As I’ve gotten older I find the idea of dating apps to be pretty daunting, but with all of the changes that I’ve made in the last year going out and actually socializing with people has been difficult.

Since I’ve relocated, again, I find my social circle to be pretty limited. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, but any time we get together it’s always the same people. So my opportunities to meet NEW people have been pretty limited. So obviously I jumped back into the dating apps, I updated all of my information so that it was current and picking people from the correct area. Because for a while POF was still matching me with people in Chicago.

And then I met someone, we talked for a bit through the site, and then exchanged numbers. I took that as a good sign because I don’t just hand my number out to anyone, but I had a good feeling about this guy. He was funny, independent, ambitious, kind and we appeared to have quite a bit in common. So we set up a date to meet, it didn’t happen though because there was a series of events that caused us to reschedule three times.

After each time though, he always seemed really apologetic, I get it shit happens and sometimes things can’t be avoided but I thought I’d give him the benefit of the doubt here.

Then this past weekend, I was at a baseball game on Saturday hanging out with my cousin and her friends. Texting sporadically with this guy talking about how excited we both were about finally meeting (on Sunday).  We were still figuring out what we were going to do when my Cousin offered me two tickets to Sunday’s game. Knowing that this guy was a huge Cardinals fan I thought perfect! So we made plans to meet at the ballpark just before the game. He showered me with flattery and told me he appreciated the thought and that he couldn’t wait.

Sunday morning comes around and I get a text saying it’s supposed to rain, but he was still down to go to the game if I was. So of course, I said yes, worst case scenario we could go to Ballpark village or something to get out of the rain if it got worse. I went about my business, got ready to go and headed out to the ballpark a bit after 12:30PM. Parked the car and then text him while I was walking to our meeting spot.

I sat in front of Gate 2 for about 30 minutes or so, debated whether or not to take out my umbrella because it was starting to drizzle but opted to just wait it out since it wasn’t too bad.

And I never heard from him again…

Even when you think someone’s a decent person they can prove you very wrong, and I think that’s what annoys me the most about online dating. I had hoped that people in this age range would be past ghosting or games, but I guess not.

Sugar And Spice, And Everything Nice

I’ve been doing a lot of reading about Ketosis and going on a Keto diet, I couldn’t fully commit to it just yet so I’ve been focusing on low carb for now.

But the one thing I can’t get past is the sugar in my coffee. 😦 Every other meal or treat that I’ve had in the last week or two has been relatively perfect and planned out. Each meal is proportioned according to whatever calculations the lady at the gym gave me…

Except I miss the taste of my morning cup of coffee! I figured if I kept it to that ONE teaspoon of sugar a day then I’d be okay, but I know that things don’t really work the way they’re supposed to unless you fully commit. I replaced whole milk for Half & Half (although I’m thinking heavy cream might be better) and last night I went out and bought some Stevia. Convinced myself that it would be OK and that it’d taste normal… or at the very least that it was an acquired taste and that I’d get over it.

So this morning arrives and it’s time to make that precious cup of coffee…

And all I can taste is the artificial sweetener. I don’t even taste the half & half, which has always had more of a ‘chalky’ texture to me. So my question to the universe… is there a keto friendly sugar replacement that DOESN’T tastes like PURE sweetness or chemicals?! Or do all sugar substitutes taste the same and I just need to suck it up, or just give up coffee all together?!

I guess I can do that, I drink it more out of routine than the need for caffeine, and there’s always tea. I don’t think I need to sweeten tea, all of the stuff I have is herbal or berry flavored anyhow.

On the bright side, at least I’m only struggling with sugar in my coffee. My mom (who is on the same meal plan for support) is still struggling with the idea of just eating meat and veggies at every meal. The woman loves her rice, pasta, and tortillas. I told her not to worry about it, she can eat whatever she wants, but she said if I’m doing it then she can do it too.

Getting older is hard work

All the changes have happened and I’m in a place I never thought I’d be.

Over the last 6 months, I’ve gotten rid of basically everything I owned and replaced it, primarily with clothes but who’s really keeping track!?

I started my life journey in North St. Louis, Mo… moved to the NW Suburbs of Chicago at the age of 7 and lived there until I was in my early 30’s. I traveled to StL for holidays and family events and every time shook my head when asked: “when are you moving back!”. I dreaded visiting during the hot summer months, or any month really because I always thought it was hot to some degree! ha.

In 2015 I reluctantly moved to CA, where I spent 2 years working on a new career and spending time with family. After which I returned to Chicago, to less than enthusiastic old friends, for which I take most of the blame as I tend to be horrible at keeping in touch with people. And within 6 months or so decided that it just wasn’t for me anymore so I was moving “home” (albeit semi-reluctantly).

And now here I am, doing something I hate so very much: starting over.

The upside to this, however, is that my entire family is in StL so things have been pretty busy since I’ve been here. And, thanks to that career that I mentioned early I was able to do very adult things like buying a house!

I joined a gym (and have actually been going), I’ve changed my diet and I’m making changes.

Still not looking forward to that summer though, but I’m making the most of it because change is good… right?

I don’t know how I’ll end up using this blog, but I wanted to start writing again so we’ll see. I’ll likely bore you with the details of my meals and re-acquainting myself with the city that I first called home.

~ Ciao!

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New Year New Beginnings!

Resolution for 2016:

  1. Make better use of your personal blog (hello blog!)
  2. Figure out what the HELL I’m allergic to so that I can stop eating it (even though it’s probably something delicious)
  3. Complete at least SFDC 5 certifications (Woot! New job Ya’ll!!)

Keep it simple, keep it light.

A lot has happened since I was “laid off”, for starters I’m not in Chicago anymore!

I may as well get another cat

I’m beginning to think that I won’t be dating anyone, anytime soon. And that’s really starting to upset me. But this isn’t at the top of my “wtf” list. As mentioned in the last post I moved!!!

In the last couple of months I quit a comfortable job, moved into the city, started working at a startup and then “lost” my job. Fun times. So I’m currently working part time as a hostess at a restaurant in a near by suburb and scrambling to update my resume and get a new job. The way I figure, I have enough money to get me through this month and through most of next month. If you need me I’ll be rummaging through the boxes (because yes I still have many boxes) trying to find anything worth of value that I can pawn. (jkjk)

Since I’ve moved into the city that also means that my mother moved out of state, she never considered herself much of a city girl so she quickly declined my invitation to stay with me for a bit. That being said this past Mother’s day was a bit rough.